Sunday, June 30, 2019

Withdrawal

It's been almost a week since I posted here, and now June is just about finished. I wish this summer would slow down. It's passing by at lightning speed and I'll be back at work in no time.

I've been in a weird place, emotionally, for a couple of weeks now. Remember how I said I couldn't stop welling up with tears at our niece's wedding? I've been like that pretty much nonstop, over everything, recently. I alternate between tearful and emotional and irritated at the world. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I have an idea. About three weeks ago I stopped taking Zoloft. I've been taking a maintenance dose of it (50mg) for almost 20 years now. I think that's what's wrong.

I began Zoloft in desperation in my mid 20's after a particularly terrible, long lasting episode of OCD symptoms, crippling anxiety, and black depression. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) can be a horrible, debilitating mental illness although very few people take it seriously. I still have to bite my tongue when people say, "I'm so OCD!" when what they really mean is that they have a penchant for order or cleanliness. It's so not that. And it's not a joke, believe me.

 It would be painful and embarrassing to describe my symptoms here, and so I won't, but I'll leave you with just one example of what the hell of OCD is like. One time when in the throes of it, I hit a pothole in the road while driving my car. I could not (could not) shake the irrational fear that I had hit a person. I drove back around the block probably dozens of times, trying to reassure myself that it wasn't a human being and just a pothole that I had hit. No matter how much my logical mind told me that it was absolutely ridiculous and irrational, my anxiety was kicked up to a level where I was powerless to stop myself. When I finally managed to get myself back home that day, I spent hours obsessing over that damn pothole, still trying to reassure myself that I hadn't killed someone. Imagine this scenario, and now imagine dozens of scenarios just like that happening every single damn day....for months. I was a wreck, y'all. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep more than a couple of hours a night, just.....couldn't. Couldn't function. Couldn't shake it. Add in the fear of losing my job, exhaustion, unrelenting emotional misery....well,  those months were hell. I've had OCD since I was a small girl  (my dad has it too, it's a genetic thing) but never like that. I finally had to go to the county department of mental health (I couldn't afford a private psychiatrist and had no health care coverage at the time) and get myself prescribed something to try to crawl back out of the hole I was in. Eventually, slowly, over a period of two or three months, my symptoms subsided, my depression lifted, and I became a normally functioning human again.

Eventually, I cut the dose down to only 50mg and fast forward to now, almost two decades later. I've been (mostly) symptom free for years. I like to think I've found other ways to cope with my weird brain chemistry. I began to wonder if such a small dose as 50mg was really making much of a difference. I still have no psychiatrist; my family doctor (and in years past, my gynecologist) will happily write the script for my refills. While I appreciate the refills, I've started to think maybe I need to speak to someone who specializes in mental health before I continue to take SSRIs. A couple of weeks ago, I ran out of pills, and had not taken them for a few days before realizing it. I considered getting reupped, but then thought maybe a break (just to see how things went) wouldn't hurt anything, especially now since I'm off work for the summer.

Well, I haven't had any OCD symptoms (yet)  but I'm definitely experiencing withdrawals. There's the overly emotional responses to everything, like at the wedding. There were very vivid, weird, sometimes frightening dreams most nights for a week or two. There are the "electrical brain zaps" that you sometimes read about, the momentary dizziness that comes and goes, and worst of all there have been two instances where I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. Both times I woke up from a sound sleep feeling a strange tightness, a panicky fluttering, in my chest and the feeling of not being able to breathe right. It was scary.

Today I'm just feeling irritable and out of sorts. It's why I've been mostly absent from blogland this past week, since I have nothing good or positive to say. I'm wondering now if this is still withdrawals from Zoloft (how long could those possibly last, you know?) or if I'm just starting up my PMS week. Hormones and brain chemicals can be hell to deal with.

And I wonder if I should call in a refill of the meds, or if I should give this break from them a little more time to see what happens? Overall the worst of the withdrawal symptoms seem to have subsided a little. Of course, I worry about the return of the old OCD monster and depression, but I'm trying hard to be vigilant about that. Maybe I need to find myself a psychiatrist. Maybe I'll get lucky and Dr. Spo will read this post and give me a word of advice.

I'm not quite sure where to go from here. If anybody reading this has any experience with stopping SSRIs, I'd love to hear about it.

52 comments:

  1. I've taken SSRI's (at a fairly low dose) and then GRADUALLY tapered off of them (seriously, cutting the pills in quarters and going .75 pills for a couple weeks, then .5, then .25). I had been pretty sure at the time that I no longer needed it, and I was right. I had not side effects.

    Given your definite reaction to going off, I would go back on the pills, and then if you want to go off, do it with the guidance of a physician. Maybe your are having problems due to the sudden cut-off, maybe your brain chemistry still needs it. But given your history, I don't think it is something to play around with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the comment. Based on all of the comments here, I think I'm going to call in a refill, forget about quitting for now, and then later on talk to my doctor about a gradual tapering off.

      Thanks again for stopping by.

      Delete
  2. Everything you describe as happening recently can definitely be attributed to the withdrawal.
    I recently very, very slowly tapered off another SSRI and even then- I had to back up and increase the dosage for awhile to deal with the effects of withdrawal. I am now off of it completely and it's been at least a month but I think I still have some side-effects. I think that you should at least see a GP to discuss whether you should just go back on the Zoloft (and perhaps try a more gentle, gradual withdrawal) or ride out what you're experiencing. I certainly don't know and I think it would be wise to consult with someone who does. A psychiatrist would be ideal, of course, but you might want to start with a GP. He or she might have a recommendation and even get you an appointment. You poor darling girl! I know this has been terribly rough for you. How strange our brains can be. I don't think that medical science has figured out nearly enough yet. But they have figured out a few things and you might as well benefit from that!
    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Ms. Moon! I seem to remember some mention on your blog of your weaning off an SSRI.

      This really hasn't been too rough until the last couple of weeks....the first week or so was no big deal. I guess that's why I thought, what the hell, I may as well just quit. Now I'm thinking that was a silly thing to do.

      Delete
  3. see a doctor please, dear. I don't know your age, but could it be menopause kicking in? "I alternate between tearful and emotional and irritated at the world." - that's how mine began; two years of hell til it ended.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm 44. So far, my cycle has been regular as clockwork so I don't think it's menopause yet, but who knows? It's certainly possible.

      Delete
  4. These drugs need to be withdrawn very gradually as the others said. I saw a program about OCD sufferers and I was horrified at how it affected them. Thank you for writing about your experiences.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm grateful that I've been mostly symptom free (from the OCD) for years now. It's no picnic, that's for sure! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

      Delete
  5. I don't deal with all the same issues as you but I've lived with clinical depression most of my life. I was finally treated for it when I hit rock bottom at the age of 32. Medication saved my life I'm convinced. I've stopped the meds several times since then because I was doing well (and we were moving and... always something made that seemed to make sense). And every time would start to cycle down until I crashed. As bad or worse than that first time at 32. SO, I now accept that I will LIVE on some kind of anti-depressant medication for the rest of my life unless something drastically changes in my brain chemistry. So, my point is, respect those meds. Talk to your doctor. And be proud that you were strong enough to accept that there are just some things you can't do yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope I didn't come across as thinking that taking medication for mental health issues is a weak or a bad thing to do! I think these drugs can be lifesavers. I guess I've just been mostly symptom free for long enough that I starting thinking I had no more need of these drugs. Thank you Mitchell.

      Delete
    2. Oh no worries, Jennifer. I didn't get that sense at all. I just got the sense that you, like I, figured "Oh, I'm doing OK now. Maybe I don't need them." And I learned that's not a decision I can make on my own. Sending you hugs from Spain!

      Delete
  6. I hope you see your GP as soon as possible and work with him/her to determine the best course of action, or next steps for yourself. I'm sure you have googled "going off zoloft" and realize that what you are experiencing is withdrawal (discontinuation syndrome), even at that low dose. Best of luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did indeed google it, and you're right. I'm just surprised that such a low dose made such a difference.

      Delete
  7. Thanks for sharing this with your readers Jennifer. Having the ability to articulate this facet of your life must surely be very helpful...and I am very sorry for referring to you as "The Human Waterfall". I thought that remark was funny but now I can see that it probably wasn't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Neil! Don't be silly. That comment WAS funny, and it was a pretty accurate description of me at the wedding, too! I don't think my tears were ALL because of discontinuing the Zoloft....I think that the passing of years, the absence of my dear mother-in-law at her dearest grandchild's wedding, the beauty of my niece, etc....made me choke up with emotion and that wouldn't necessarily have been any different if I had been taking my meds. In any event, please know that I'm not THAT thin skinned about my condition(s)...some parts of even full blown OCD can be funny. Which I don't have, anyway. :)

      Delete
  8. I agree with all of the above. They are giving you excellent advice, I hope you see a doctor soon so you can back to yourself as soon as possible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I'll try taking the meds again, and then see a doctor. Thank you for the comment.

      Delete
  9. I have similar problems but not as bad as yours. I have been able to live with them but I think I missed so much. I always assumed they were because of the migraines (month long migraine) which I had so bad that I lived most of my life in a shaky fog of pain. I threw up all the time.
    I think you should see a doctor. I thought Susan had some good thoughts on this. Maybe a small dosage is the best ?
    Good luck
    parsnip xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate hearing about your debilitating migraines. Chronic pain can be terrible to live with and I'm sorry for yours.

      Delete
  10. So sorry to hear about you problems. I have a dear friend who has OCD. Sometimes it will take her over 2 minutes verifying over and over again that she's locked her back door. We patiently wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Checking and rechecking the locks....boy, have I been there! Good for you for being patient with your friend. That's what a real friend does.

      Delete
  11. Jennifer,
    I have read through everyone's comment and you have received some good advice. If I were you, I would see a doctor to sort this out. You will be in my thoughts, and I hope things will turn upward soon for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Michael! I think you're right about the good advice. I'm sure I'll feel like myself again soon.

      Delete
  12. Hi Jennifer. I am well versed in anti depressants as I have suffered with anxiety and depression all my life. At one point I was on a cocktail of different anti depressants. I had a terrible reaction and was having pseudo seizures. I had to quit cold turkey. I went through all you are going through and I don’t wish that on anyone. After about three months of being off, the next reaction was that I got dystonia in my eye muscles. My eyes wouldn’t open at all. Finally got to see a neurologist. I was on Botox shots every three months for 15 years. It has now gone into remission. I am now back on anti depressants and am doing well. Both are a different kind. I would suggest to go off them really slowly. Yes get your prescription filled and work out a plan to go off them slowly...very slowly. That way you will miss most of the side effects of going off. I know that I will need them for the rest of my life and I am okay with that. I just wish I had of gone on them sooner as I wouldn’t have had all the side effects. Thanks for sharing. I will be praying for you. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave such a thoughtful and kind comment. I'm calling in the prescription tonight and tomorrow I will resume taking the Zoloft, at least for now.

      Delete
    2. Jennifer I did forget to mention that Zoloft is one of the few very safe ones in that the airforce here in Canada will let the pilots use it.

      Delete
    3. Well, that's encouraging! And at such a low dose as 50mg hopefully I won't be doing any harm to myself by taking it for all these years.

      Delete
  13. I've been on effexor for 15+ years. Was on zoloft for some years prior. Everyone is different but I have heard of so many people that get to a low dose and just need that - going off completely doesn't work. I think it's smart to not assume, so trying to go off of them makes sense, but you are probably one who needs that low dose. Another thing that could be not one bit relevant to you personally is thyroid levels. I have horrible anxiety and cry very very easily when my thyroid is wonky. My levels test "normal" but have fluctuated for 20+ years. I take a small dose of a thyroid supplement (thyroid gold) and it has made all the difference.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't had my thyroid levels checked recently, so that's a good thought. Thanks for the input.

      Delete
  14. I wish I had something useful to say here, but I am sure that others do. All I can do is wish you the best and say that most people get it sooner or later I think. Poor you. It will be ok soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope I don't sound too woe-is-me. Feeling sorry for oneself isn't a good look.

      Delete
  15. My only experience was with my granddaughter and her Zolot. When she decided to quit taking it, and quit seeing her psychiatrist, everything changed. I could not force her to do anything. And, at 17, she knew everything, even though we both lived through her suicidal depression at twelve. Eventually I could only return her to her mother, who is younger than I, and each of them thinks they have the solution.
    I wish only the best for you. You have worked hard to be here, and who you are today. You will find the answer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We all knew everything at 17. I really hope things turn around with Laura and she gets on a straight path as she gains maturity. You've been a wonderful grandmother to her and she owes you a lot.

      Delete
  16. I understand about the OCD. Too many people think it's a joke. I suggest going back on your maintenance dose and seeing someone (a psychiatrist, if possible) regarding what you should do going forward. When I stop taking a medication, I always wean myself off of it and don't stop suddenly. I have accidentally stopped suddenly a few times or have stopped because of a lack of funds, and I feel lousy when it happens.If I've ever known how old you are, then I'm sorry, but I've forgotten. Are you old enough to be heading into menopause? When menopause started for me at about age 40, for the first few months I cried at the drop of a hat, although I was on prescription meds for depression and anxiety. Everything upset me. The silliest thing is that I didn't even realize I was going through menopause, and I worked in a doctor's office! All of a sudden one day I came across symptoms of menopause online and figured it out. That doesn't mean the same thing is happening to you, but I thought I should toss it up in the air and see where it lands. I was surprised to go through menopause at 40. I also had hot flashes followed by chills. I take a low dose of estrogen now.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the thoughtful comments about OCD. I'm not sure about menopause. So far, there's been no real signs of it that I can see, but that's assuming that the first signs will be changes in my menstrual cycle. I'm regular down to the day and there have been no changes at all in that regard that I've noticed. I haven't noticed any hot flashes, either. I'm sure my doctor can tell the next time I have labs done.

      Delete
  17. Dear Jennifer, I am a 69 year-old boy who, besides occasional open-heart and cancer surgeries, am a fine specimen of andropausal manhood. I have taken Zoloft (200mg/daily) for 10 years. It works pretty good to keep the jumps away, but sometimes I find an 0.5 mg tablet of Ativan useful too, washed down with a good cabernet (Woodridge Vineyards in nearby Lodi). For three years, I spent an hour per week with a therapist who taught me relaxation techniques drawn from Zen, Yoga, and modern autohypnotic disciplines. All of it helps a lot. All of it returns us to the living where we belong. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you want relief from the blues and the jumps, it's out there --and it's in you and me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ativan washed down with a good cabernet? Yes please! Hahaha! :)

      It's good to know about others taking Zoloft long term and their experiences with it. I think relaxation techniques/ meditation probably do me good but I don't know where to start. Where should I start?

      Delete
    2. When I worked in healthcare, I used a relaxation technique to help patients who were in pain. I spoke, or tried to speak, in a soothing voice. I asked them to tense the muscles in their toes . . . and then relax. We worked our way up the body until we got to tensing the muscles in their forehead and then relaxing. While you're doing this, you should take slow deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. You could try the tense and release while lying down and listening to soft, gentle music.

      Delete
    3. I'm sorry to go on and on, but I want to add that I used to do visualization with my daughter and I still use visualization myself. When my daughter was nervous before a math competition or a test, I'd have her lie down. I'd rub her temples very gently while talking about every detail of what would happen during the competition or the test and how she could handle it without being nervous. Then I'd play a song. One time it was John Lennon's "Instant Karma." I don't have anyone to rub my temples but I can close my eyes to visualize. It helped me a lot with tests in college. I'd see myself going to take the test and ended the visualization by getting my test back from the professor with an "A" on it. Now visualization is of some help to me with my depression and anxiety.

      Delete
  18. I apologize if I repeat what everyone else has already said; I don't have time right now to read all the other comments. But I urgently plead with you to have an expert look at your medication and overall situation before taking any more.
    You are now in your early forties, which naturally means the begin of hormonal change as well, and that could strongly influence the effects of medication.
    I am sorry you had to go through such horrible times in the past and hope you'll never have to experience this again, my poor dear friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you dear Meike! It was a long time ago that I had such traumatic experiences with mental health. In fact, it's something I rarely think about these days unless I have a reason, like stopping the Zoloft. I've called in a refill for it but I'm considering talking to my doctor before re-starting....although she's just a GP without any mental health medicine experience that I know of. I also need a new gynecologist. Mine retired a couple of years ago and not only do I need to resume my annual pap smears, but I'd like an expert to discuss hormonal issues with.

      Thank you for your kind support.

      Delete
  19. I have nothing to renew after all the wonderful comments here and I have no experience with drugs, but I wish you only good and believe that soon it will be good because you deserve only good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are always so kind and supportive, Yael. Thank you. I hope you're doing well these days (since I don't see you blogging very often) and I hope things are calm and peaceful where you live. xx

      Delete
  20. Interesting. I wonder if you should go back to your primary care doctor (or whoever's written your most recent scrips) and consult with them about the withdrawal symptoms. They could probably advise you on whether to begin the drugs again or check in with a psychiatrist.

    By the way, I appreciate both your comments about people saying "I'm so OCD" and also your description of what you endured in the pothole incident. If more people spoke up about their experiences with mental illness the world would have a much better understanding of it, don't you think? That would help eliminate people thoughtlessly tossing out expressions like "OCD" to refer to neatness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's funny. I used to be so ashamed and embarrassed about the OCD that I NEVER talked about it to anyone. Then when my symptoms seemed to be mostly in remission I just didn't want to think about it anymore. These days, though, I'm beginning to feel it's important to speak up, because unless people with mental illness do so, how can the average person be expected to know any better than to make flippant remarks? Thanks for the comment.

      Delete
  21. Just a thought, if you want to experiment with going off drugs or just keeping a small maintenance dosage, then you may want to see a therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy. Psychiatrists seem to be all about the drugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure if my insurance would cover a therapist, but it's definitely worth looking into. Thank you.

      Delete
  22. Jennifer, I just now read your post, and see lots of helpful advice offered. My own two cents says go to your gp and talk about how to gradually taper off Zoloft and hope they will give you their support in that. There is something called perimenopause that sometimes happens before menopause, and often happens in women's early forties. You are brave and bold and smart and will work this out successfully. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Terra! I hope you're doing well. There have been enough comments here about menopause/perimenopause starting that now I'm beginning to wonder if that's some of my issue. I hadn't considered it before. I will talk to my doctor about it.

      Delete
  23. You are brave one to post all of this. However this stuff is all common that I hear all the time. This is to say you are far from alone on what you describe here - both the conditions and the Zoloft matters.
    The real dose of Zoloft is 50mg-200mg. It sounds like you were doing OK on 50mg until it started to poop out. This Rx usualy does after 4-5 years. When this happens one either ups the dose to see if more is better or changing it (nothing like a new frock to brighten up the day!). When you stopped it you got typical Zoloft withdrawal. So - one usually gets back on 50mg to stop the dizziness etc. Then make a decision to increase to 100mg or change it to something new. Good luck. I also want to shout out to Cognitive Therapy for your symptoms - it really helps. Email me with further questions!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I really appreciate the input of a professional. I'm starting back on the 50mg today and hopefully things will look up soon. I never considered trying a new drug altogether. I'll talk to my doctor about it.

      Thanks again!!!!!!

      Delete
  24. INSTEAD OF GETTING A LOAN,, I GOT SOMETHING NEW
    Get $5,500 USD every day, for six months!

    See how it works
    Do you know you can hack into any ATM machine with a hacked ATM card??
    Make up you mind before applying, straight deal...

    Order for a blank ATM card now and get millions within a week!: contact us
    via email address::{universalblankcards11@gmail.com}

    We have specially programmed ATM cards that can be use to hack ATM
    machines, the ATM cards can be used to withdraw at the ATM or swipe, at
    stores and POS. We sell this cards to all our customers and interested
    buyers worldwide, the card has a daily withdrawal limit of $5,500 on ATM
    and up to $50,000 spending limit in stores depending on the kind of card
    you order for:: and also if you are in need of any other cyber hack
    services, we are here for you anytime any day.

    Here is our price lists for the ATM CARDS:

    Cards that withdraw $5,500 per day costs $200 USD
    Cards that withdraw $10,000 per day costs $850 USD
    Cards that withdraw $35,000 per day costs $2,200 USD
    Cards that withdraw $50,000 per day costs $5,500 USD
    Cards that withdraw $100,000 per day costs $8,500 USD

    make up your mind before applying, straight deal!!!

    The price include shipping fees and charges, order now: contact us via
    email address::universalblankcards11@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete