Narcissists and boundaries

I've avoided writing about it here, but there's been some turmoil brewing in my personal life over the last few weeks. Since the day my dad died, I've had the trouble with my mother that I've known for years was coming. She's treated me very badly, worse than I'd imagined she would. 

In a nutshell, she's furious that I just inherited the last of the money from dad's family's estate. It's not a fortune, but it's a nice fat check, and for a person of my modest means it's a lot. My grandparents left it in their will to pay out to me upon my dad's death. My mother is so angry (that it wasn't left to her instead) and jealous that she's been really unkind to me. And that's putting it mildly. She hasn't shown me one ounce of sympathy over losing my dad; in fact, she started in about the money the very afternoon he died. She explicitly said, repeatedly, that she expected me to hand the money over to her. It's been really awful.

I've been so stressed out that I've been on the verge of panic attacks a couple of times. I haven't been sleeping well, and maybe worst of all the stress has caused my eczema to flare and break out all over my body, in places it's never been before. 

Yesterday was a turning point, though.

I've been reading a lot about narcissists and their toxic behaviors, and my mother checks almost all of the boxes. I honestly believe she has a personality disorder. So yesterday I decided it was time to set a firm boundary with her. I sent her a private message letting her know kindly but firmly and in no uncertain terms that I'm keeping my inheritance. (If she were in dire financial straits, that would be different, but she's not. She'll be able to live comfortably, if modestly, without any help from me). 

Putting it out there, defying her, and deciding to let the chips fall where they may was scary at first. I grew up with her rages and emotional abuse. But when I hit "send" on the message (that I'd spent two days crafting) it was like a balloon popping. All of a sudden, I felt the burden of it all lift from my shoulders, and I'm much more at peace now. I can't control her reaction or her behavior, and I'm okay with that. 

Unless and until she can treat me with kindness and respect, we'll just be estranged. I've probably just lost my mom as well as my dad, but any parent who treats their daughter they way she's treated me doesn't deserve to be in their daughter's life.

Does it make me sad? Sure. It really hurts. But I'm proud of standing up for myself. And that money that she's so greedy for? It's just a hair more than the amount I have left owing on my mortgage. By next month Gregg and I will own our home free and clear! How wonderful is that? We're absolutely thrilled about it and my grandparents would be so pleased. 

I wish my mother could be pleased for me, too, but she's just not capable of it. And I can live with that.

One website I've found valuable in learning about setting boundaries is the wonderful advice column called Captain Awkward. Here's a passage from one of her columns that I found particularly insightful when dealing with the fallout of setting boundaries with toxic family:

Let me leave you with one reminder: It’s not your job to fix every relationship or clean up every mess in your family, even if you could. (You can’t). Even when we’re armed with all the best advice, planning, strategies, counseling, support from safe friends and loved ones, safety plans, boundaries, kindness, patience, good intentions, etc. fraught family relationships can stay a total mess. Even when the worst of it stops (usually ’cause we grew up and got out), some people will never be what we need. Some people will never make us feel all the way good or relaxed. Some places will always feel haunted, and some situations will always have us double-checking under the bed or behind the shower curtain or between the lines for danger. The absence of danger is no less eerie! No monsters under the bed this time, but are the dust bunnies filled with menace? No monsters in the closet, just these wire hangers. The yellow wallpaper in the hall got paneled over long ago, observe the faded spots where the portraits of what looked like a happy family from outside used to hang. Don’t forget to jiggle the toilet handle after flushing and step over the broken stair. Oh yes, that sound you hear is definitely ghosts, The Ghost of The Childhood That Should Have Been likes to come out this time of night and wail for a while, she’s pretty friendly if you want to say hi! But come away, come away, you don’t need to repair or renovate this wreck, it’s time to hop in the rental car or catch your train back to where your small quiet room awaits. Come in, close the door behind you, nobody is going to knock on it. Hang up your coat, take your shoes off, fix yourself a beverage, sit in your comfiest chair, and open your presents:

• 1 dog-eared copy of A Wrinkle In Time with “I give you your faults” highlighted.
• 1 yellow post-it note with “Do less work to manage relationships with people who are unkind to you 2019” scrawled in teal glitter pen
• 1 “Bless This Mess!” sign, $1, slightly cracked, purchased in the foul rag and bone shop of the heart

<3,

Not Just A Captain, She’s Also A Member