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Sunday, August 20, 2017

Postscript: Apoceclipse!

A woman who lives in Columbia, SC named Margaret Murphy posted this on Facebook today. It's too funny (and spot on) not to share. It's APOCECLIPSE, y'all!!

Y'all. Our city is in The Path of Totality for this eclipse thing, and let me tell you what. IT IS SO Y2K UP IN HERE! The public schools arranged the school year calendar around it, so my kids haven't started yet and will probably be blind by Monday at 2:45 in the afternoon. It is all the news people can talk about, second only to moronic white supremacists. "Treat this like a hurricane. Do all of your shopping ahead of time. Stay off the roads unless absolutely necessary (if you need Krispy Kremes or nerve pills, this is always acceptable), and stock up on staple items. Prepare for 700,000 extra people in the city and plan for 9 football stadiums' worth of traffic." Chaos and recalls related to eclipse glasses on the daily. Are they safe? Are they not safe? Has NASA approved your exact pair? ARE THEY COUNTERFEIT? 👀 Eye doctors are saying don't look under any circumstances. Other eye doctors are saying it's fiiiiine with correct protection, but some of them wear glasses and therefore I am suspicious. Do they have holes in their own personal retinas? They don't say. 

Eclipse parties - YES PLEASE! Basically like a hurricane party with less wind. Eclipse-related things to do all over the city. I hope there are bounce houses, pony rides, bobbing for apples, free Moon Pies and Sun Chips for everybody. Definitely a few keggers on campus at USC. Or at my neighbors' house; they like to party. If you don't have anything planned, just stand outside and sweat. The heat index is between 105 and 110 degrees. "Nocturnal animals will likely emerge," so SURPRISE, here's a pack of rabid wild coyotes that you'll never see coming on account of the special glasses. Don't mind these owls that hoot while your legs are getting chewed off. Bless. Restaurants are staffed to the max and every hotel within a whatever-mile radius is fully booked. If you want to leave your spouse, you'll have to pick a different weekend. 

But, my MOST favorite thing about the eclipse has already happened. I was passing by my TV the other night while the news was on, and a local reporter had just finished a segment about the eclipse. She was holding up a large photo of the human eye. Do you know what she did next? She SET IT ON FIRE, y'all. On actual fire. And she held the burning eyeball and was all "back to you in the studio, Judy." My life was complete at that very moment and I hope she wins an emmy award for best actress in a daytime drama.

Columbia, SC is SO EXTRA, and I am here for it, every single bit.

#apoceclipse2017 #columbiasc
#famouslyhot #famouslyextra #eclipse2017 #xanaxandjesus

*THIS JUST IN: The Publix on Forest Drive is a madhouse, as well as the neighborhood branch of the public library. THE LIBRARY, y'all. This is next level.

**Eclipse Eve Update: Just a suggestion, but if you are coming to our fine city for the apoceclipse, don't bring jeans unless you want to spontaneously combust before it happens. Please do not wear your eclipse glasses in church.
This is the south and we don't do that here. Also, y'all flatter me. Your comments, stories, and pictures are the most! Thank you! Anyone can share this post, as it is set to 'public.' You can subscribe to my public posts by simply clicking "follow" on my profile. Stay tuned for an amazing story involving Jesus, WalMart, and a sandwich. 🌒

20 comments:

  1. Not sure if we'll see any of it here, but I'll make sure there are plenty of cornflakes and bandages in the house anyway.

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  2. I wish I could be there. All that partying for a three-minute event. We had a partial eclipse here a couple of years ago (it went a bit gloomy) and the local solicitors were on the street at 10.00am, drinking Champagne. Any excuse.

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    1. A local radio station is about to play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon in its entirety while the eclipse is going on!

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  3. Ah'll be thinkin' on all y'all when y'all is in the Path of Totality... from the eye-safe distance with no Krispy Kremes in sight.

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  4. Oregon is going to be a whole lot worse.

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    Replies
    1. I was mistaken when I said the eclipse started on California. Oops!

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  5. I echo Ms Moon from yesterday. I am not remotely excited about this, probably b/c we are not in the main path but mainly b/c I don't have my glasses!! (And I'm not doing the make-my-own route.) The lead-up coverage has just been over the top.

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  6. Ha-ha! Margaret Murphy has got a wry sense of humour. Thanks for sharing Jennifer. I wonder what Trump will tweet about the eclipse?

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    1. Her "voice" and brand of wry humor is typical of this area! 😊

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  7. I think I need to start reading Margaret Murphy!
    I just keep thinking of the story by Lee Smith, "Me and My Baby View the Eclipse."
    I need to reread that too.
    I think I'll stay on the porch throughout the event. I have no viewing devices and feel unmotivated to create one.

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  8. Hilarious! I love the bit about nocturnal animals emerging. Surely not!

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    1. Nocturnal birds are a possibility! I'll report back!

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  9. Our schools are letting no student out. If there was any enthusiasm on our sliver of the event, it's coopted by You Tube.

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  10. As I understand Krispy Kremes is making first time ever chocolate cover eclipse donuts.

    cheers, parsnip

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    1. They are! My friend Sara is married to the Krispy Kreme owner here in Florence!

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  11. I thank God we are not in the path of totality.

    Love,
    Janie

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