Well, another day off is here, and I'm trying to summon the will to write something. I spent the fall just brimming with ideas for posts, but since the holidays I've been in a real funk. I'm not feeling very inspired to do anything these days, much less post boring blog updates when I have nothing new or exciting to say.
I did hope that this could be a safe place for me to vent in written form about all the things I have trouble expressing in my everyday life. A private place, just for me and possibly a few cyberspace friends that I will probably never meet face to face. In fact, I have not told anyone about this blog in "real" life. That includes my husband, friends, family...no one. This is just for me. So why am I having trouble opening up on here? It's strange, but I still am not entirely comfortable talking about some things. I still keep a lot inside. Maybe I need to work on it by just posting more often, and treating this more like a real diary rather than a series of mini essays designed to entertain or amuse or win acceptance from others. There are hardly any "others" to begin with (is there anybody out there? *smiles*)...and the few people that may read my posts aren't exactly going to ask me about something I've revealed at work the next day! So maybe it's time for me to use this blog as I originally intended to....as an outlet. I am going to work on this as I try to deal with some of the "stuff" the universe has decided to challenge me with this year.
I am grateful for the fact that what feels like a bleak time in my life is coinciding with the depth of winter. I don't really feel like a new year really starts until very early in the spring, so I hope that I am going to emerge more hopeful and happy soon. I think that spring-solar spring, halfway between the solstice and equinox-really begins around Feb. 2, not sometime around the 21st of March! That is the middle of spring, the midpoint, the epitome, not the start! And my birthday falls on March 23, which makes it seem like an especially meaningful time for me. I am hoping to be able use the energy of change, at the real start of the New Year, to transform some aspects of my life.
Obviously I need a new job, a new source of income, but it's more than that. I need to clean up some personal habits that are making my life less happy than it could be. I need to lose weight. I need to eat healthier. I need to take better care of my overall health and manage some chronic health problems I have better. I need to see new things, try new things, and break free of some ruts I have gotten into that have stifled the excitement and joy in my life. I need to spend more time with my husband, and not just doing house maintenance when we have a day off together! He deserves a wife he can have fun with sometimes, too! Oh, there are lots of things I want to do for myself to make things better.....in fact I'm a bit overwhelmed. I hope some of the changes being thrust upon me are happening for a reason...to make me wake up to the things that I need to do in my life...to reexamine priorities, and habits, and goals. I want to one day look back on 2011 as the start of better things!
With the start of spring approaching, I am trying to figure out what concrete steps I am going to take to make this year the best it can be. I am ready for better things, happier times, and the return of the light.