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Sunday, February 12, 2017

Unprovoked attacks

It's been quite a morning for me. I woke up feeling good and looking forward to having the day off.
I made coffee and breakfast and sat down to eat with Gregg before he had to get ready for work, and everything seemed right with the world. Then my phone started to "ping" with private messages. They were from my mom. Here's the first one:

Jennifer, do you have to use such vulgar language on Facebook,? I haven't ever known you to talk like you do now, what's wrong with you?

I had no idea what she was talking about, and told her so. I don't use "vulgar" language on Facebook, or anywhere else for that matter. She went on to say:

Yes you have and you know you do...... I've always been proud of you, but since this election, you are just really something, you need to move on.

Again, what??? I've never used vulgar language on Facebook, and I'm fairly careful about what I share on a public forum concerning the election. Granted, I'm very opposed to Donald Trump and his administration, and I occasionally share legitimate news articles about current events, but I never attack anyone and I certainly don't use foul language. So I told her, again, that I had no idea what she was talking about. And this was her response:

Well.... Fuckbuck, and such words.....

What the heck does that even mean?! (That's what I asked her). And then I suggested that someone maybe hacked into her page, or mine, and left offensive remarks.

No, I'm not hacked it's about Ivanka Trump's line of clothes, and you made a comment, you know what I'm talking about and there has been other things too. don't play dumb with me .

Well, I started to get pissed off at that point. I've never said a single thing about the current controversy over Ivanka's brand of clothes. Not one single thing. And the whole "don't play dumb with me" was just a little too much and I told her so. How dare she basically accuse me of lying over something so stupid?

It's not just today, over months you have used bad language and you know it. I'm not as stupid as you take me for. I thought I knew you better, but I don't know any more.  I have never accused you falsely, I have never been disappointed in you until I got internet and have seen things you say, I hate people seeing you talk like you do.

I went back over my Facebook page at that point, looking for something that I might have said that would have set her off, and found nothing. There are mostly pictures of the dogs, flowers, sunsets, etc. And occasionally a news article critical of Trump. And oh, yeah, and this morning I posted a "Happy Birthday Charles Darwin" meme............

So here's what I think. My parents (mostly my mom, my dad is gentle and sweet and doesn't have a mean bone in his body) are conservative Trump supporters and evangelical Christians. I get the feeling that the fact that I'm a liberal atheist is what my mom really means when she says I'm "vulgar" and that she's disappointed in me. It's not about Facebook, it's about differences in our fundamental life values. She went on and on in the same vein, though, telling me that she's ashamed of me. Although we don't have a very close relationship (she was emotionally abusive and an alcoholic when I was growing up....although thankfully the Evangelical Christian part didn't come along until later, after I had left home) that still hurt my feelings so bad. 

I've never called  her out on how ashamed of her I was growing up, or how much her behavior in those days hurt me. I decided a long time ago to forgive her and move on with my life (even though she never asked for forgiveness) and to go my own way. But even at the age of almost 42 years old, her words still have the power to hurt me so much.

This is how I finally ended our conversation today:

This is ridiculous. If you can find something specific on my Facebook page that you take issue with, I'll be glad to discuss it with you. Otherwise, I'm done with this conversation.

Because mother or not, I'm not allowing anyone to talk to me that way. I deserve better.

So as I was sitting there, still feeling stung over what had just happened, my bird Marco flew over onto the couch beside me. I absent-mindedly picked him up and out of habit went to kiss him on the beak....and he bit the @#$! out of my lower lip. I burst into tears, both from the pain in my lip and the pain in my heart.

So now I have a cut and swollen lip to go along with my bruised feelings. How's that for a nice morning?


53 comments:

  1. Oh My Goodness. What a world this is. You know where this is coming so I think you can let it pass, if you can but as you know It still hurts though.
    I posed a silly, I thought meme on "Line" which I talk to my family instantly.
    Well it hurt/bothered daughter. I think any other time it would not have meant anything but when you are working on feeling that maybe have been eating away on you, words hurt.
    So I feel really bad. I usually am more careful but....

    cheers, parsnip

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    1. Thank you. I hope the misunderstanding with you daughter is cleared up soon. Try not to feel bad, we're all human and just trying to do the best we can.

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  2. Oh Jennifer I'm so sorry. That's so sad it's almost funny! I bet it's easier for you to forgive Marco though.

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    1. Marco was simply startled because I picked him up too quickly and carelessly. No big deal.

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  3. As you know, my mother and I had a terrible relationship. But I have to say that even when I had finally let her go in my mind, her words could wound me deeply. And now that she's dead, I occasionally wonder if maybe I couldn't have been a better daughter. And that makes me ache with sorrow. But honestly, I think I did the best I could. And I'm sure you have too.

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    1. Oh, Mary. I'm a long time reader of your blog and I know about the struggles you've had coming to terms with your childhood. You are such a great mother and grandmother and you have the most beautiful family now. :) I wish I belonged to the Moon clan!

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  4. Oh, I'm so sorry about this. I hope the day gets better. And you are right, no matter who it is, no one has a right to treat another in an abusive or disrespectful manner. You certainly do deserve better.

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    1. Thank you, Martha. I appreciate support from my blog friends, more than you know!

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  5. Oh dear, that's a bad start to the day. I hope things are better now!

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    1. Thanks! I have a happy marriage and a happy home life. I'll be okay.

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  6. Ok, update...I think I found what she meant about the "fuckbuck" comment. On a meme about Ivanka Trump's line of clothes, somebody accused liberals of being "StarFucks Lovers". A friend of mine thought that was hilarious (I did too, honestly) and mentioned it in a comment. So I replied to HIS comment, saying "Starfuck Lovers would be a great song title!" with a laughing emoji. Then my friend said, "It's going to be the name of my David Bowie cover band!" with another laughing emoji. That was it. A humorous comment buried deep in a thread on someone else's page that she somehow managed to see. And acted like I'm vulgar and awful for a silly joke that had nothing to do with Trump or his daughter in the first place. Sigh.

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  7. Seriously, you are no longer a small child. I know this is hard, mothers will always hit that weak spot deep inside us, but she is way out of line. And your reaction was the grown up thing to do.

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    1. You are always a child in your mother's eyes me thinks

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    2. I tried to stay as calm and measured as possible. It's the only way to handle her when she's spoiling for a fight. It takes the wind right out of her sails.

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    3. You have a sweet warmth.....that fucking irritates bitter moms...believe me i know

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  8. My mother was just like this. She changed a bit when she got to 80.

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    1. My mother gets meaner and meaner, the older she gets. She should be a horror by the time she reaches 80.

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    2. She may peak soon and then start mellowing, slowly. You can but hope!

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    3. My life did not change until I stood up to my mother and it was very late in my life, but as soon as I started to stand up to her she changed and that is when she started to mellow. As though all the time she had been unsure of herself and pushing me. I hope that by responding to her as you did today things will change for you too, as they did for mexxxx

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  9. My mother's been dead for twenty-five years and she can still hurt my feelings. Fuckbuck? Buried in some post from someone else? She's studying your Facebook page and looking for stuff to be pissed off about. Some people are like that. For just the next few seconds, let's pretend you are my daughter and I'm your mom. Here's what Mom Junebug says: Oh, Jennifer, I love you so much. You are a treasure. You make me happy. You're intelligent and hard working and you have a great sense of humor. Thanks for putting up with all the mistakes I made as a parent.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. And Marco didn't mean it. He told me it was an accident.

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    2. Janie, your comment made me feel better. Thank you. I've never done much of anything that my real mother thinks is worthwhile. And no, Marco didn't mean it. I startled him by picking him up too fast without paying attention. It was my fault, not his. My mother's words hurt me far more than a cut lip.

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    3. Getting married and being thin were the only things about me that pleased my mother. She certainly wouldn't be happy with me now!

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    4. Mothers have a way of surprising you, your mother should be ashamed of herself for even the fact that she texted that crap instead of calling and talking. Marco on the other hand was just being a twit.

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  10. I do hope you feel better. My stepmother died 10 years ago and still does her best to ruin my life. A bit of counseling has helped me get through it. You'll get through, too.

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    1. Childhood scars run deep, don't they?

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  11. I should have a stern word with your mother, firstly about how she speaks to you and secondly about her misguided politics. Seriously, I think I would up the ante and link to even more articles on FB that are negative towards Trump.

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    1. I've added her to a restricted list on Facebook. Now she can only see very, very limited stuff that I post. I considered blocking her outright.

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    2. I blocked one of my sisters on Facebook because I couldn't post anything without her saying something nasty.

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  12. Your mother went off her rocker because you used "vulgar language" (which you established is BS)... tell me again of this G-rated saint she voted for? Hypocrisy is a pet peeve of mine. So-called "Christians" voting for an atheist who has wantonly violated nearly all of the Ten Commandments, women voting for a misogynist p***y grabber, veterans voting for a draft dodger, blue-collar working-class folks voting for a 1% er who never worked up a sweat one day in his life. Internet tough guys telling all of us "snowflakes" to "grow a pair" while supporting the most thin-skinned weasel in the history of Twitter. I could go on.

    "Because mother or not, I'm not allowing anyone to talk to me that way. I deserve better." Damn straight you do. I cant imagine how you can handle having a mother who would say such things. I feel cursed to be surrounded by such people, but the one person who is on my side is my mom.

    I hope your mother starts treating you better. You're her fucking daughter, for fuck's sake. He's the goddamn host of the Apprentice. What the fuckbuck?

    p.s. sorry for the rant.

    p.p.s. sorry your bird made lunch out of your lower lip. hope you're okay!

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    1. Your rant was delightful. No need to apologize, Chris..thank you so much. Your rant made me smile...not easy with a busted lip!!

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  13. What a very strange encounter. Does she live nearby? If so I would go to see her and ask her to point-out what she's talking about.

    Sorry about the lip; as I imagine is Marco.

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    1. I thought it was pretty bizarre, too. She lives about an hour's drive away...but I won't be going to knock on her door. Neither of my parents work, but they haven't bothered to come to see me in years. I was already pretty upset with them for that--I'm always the one who has to call or drive to see them, basically I have to make all the effort--and I'm fed up with it. This latest encounter just adds insult to injury. There's a limit to how much I'm willing to tolerate, parents or not, and I've reached it.

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  14. Crikey Jennifer ...... you poor thing!! You've been trying to get over a bout of depression and your MOTHER gives you a hard time over NOTHING!!!!!! How dare she??????? Ignore her .... it's not your problem ..... it's hers!!!!!! Try to let it go. Janie Junebug is a treasure. Lets all pretend she's our Mother. I think I love her. If I were there I'd give you a big hug and I wouldn't bite your bottom lip. Poor Marco ..... he didn't mean it. Take care and I hope your afternoon and evening are a lot better than your morning. Take care ... Charlie's Mum, Lynn.

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    1. Mom Junebug is a treasure! :) Thank you for the sweet comment.

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  15. I'm so sorry! Having such a good relationship with my own parents, it always saddens me to hear it isn't like that in other families. My parents are far from perfect, of course, and have made mistakes just like I have made them - we are all humans. But we would never speak to each other like that, and I am truly sorry you had to endure such nasty, hurting words from your mother.
    And to top it all off, Marco bit you - not out of spite, of course, but it made you spill over and that is exactly how I would have reacted at that moment.
    I hope the loving home life you have with Gregg, your dogs and Marco more than makes up for the less-than-loving relationship with your mother. It is amazing how someone who sounds as nasty as her has a daughter as kind and intelligent as you.

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    1. Thank you, Meike. I know what a close relationship you have with your parents and I think it's wonderful. You are so lucky! I wish you all could adopt me. I've always longed for a close knit, supportive family.

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  16. Oh Jennifer, I am sorry. It saddens me that your mum does not see you the way we see you here. I wish I lived near you to come hug you and tell you how much you are worth; you are a lovely person, gentle, respectful, kind; you have profound values which are what count in life.
    Try to forget this unhappy episode and move on, stick to you profile quote, that I love so much and applied for myself..."trying to capture the beautiful moments of an ordinary life" :) xx
    Greetings Maria x

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    1. You are a dear friend, Maria. I wish we could get together in person. Your comments here always mean so much to me! Thank you!

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  17. Your mother sounds like a mean old witch. Does she read this blog? If not you could introduce it to her and she can see how much you are loved by your readers/friends, and what they think of her!! I have only been reading you for a relatively short time, but you seem like a person I would like to know. Hope the lip is healing. Have another hug from one who is old enough to be your mother. XX

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    1. No, she doesn't read this blog. In fact, very few people in my personal life even know that I have a blog, and only my husband knows the name of it and can read it if he wishes to. I can be more open and honest this way. Thank you for the comment. :)

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  18. Your mother is STILL being emotionally abusive towards you because she is an alcoholic who has not received help. You can't change her, but you can take control of your relationship with her. Refuse to engage with her when she is lashing out. Consider going to an Al-Anon meeting to learn how to detach in a way that benefits you. Life is too short for this crap.

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    1. She quit drinking 15 or so years ago, but still acts out. It didn't change her behavior much.

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  19. MESSAGE TO JENNIFER'S MOTHER
    You should count your blessings madam. You have a lovely daughter with much kindness in her heart and a thinking mind in her head. She is nobody's fool. I have often communicated with her from my home in England and have found her to be a splendid human being. In my humble opinion you should be immensely proud of her.
    Best wishes,
    Yorkshire Pudding

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    1. This comment made my eyes tear up. Thank you, Neil. All the support and friendship I've found on this blog mean the world to me. ❤

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  20. Yorkshire Pudding is so right Jennifer - I'll second that.
    I think you'll just have to put her comments down to those of a sad, embittered and lonely old woman. I do hope you can forget them and enjoy your life with Gregg, the dogs, and the naughty Marco, to the full.

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  21. A misinterpreting mother and a pecking parrot. Just as well when every 24 hours pass there is a chance of a bright, brand-new day.

    Alphie

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    1. You're right...but Monday was no better. See my latest post. :/

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  22. Oh man, she sounds like my mother.... I'm pretty sure Mumsy has borderline personality disorder; it's like she lives in her own little bubble where literally everything is about her or directed towards her. Exhausting to say the least, so I can sympathize!

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    1. My mom is like that....everything is about HER HER HER! You're right, it's very exhausting.

      Thanks for visiting my blog!

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  23. Oh Jennifer, what a bizarre rant by your mom. I know you are a darling young lady and am sending you a big hug. And then Marco bit you to top it all off, what a day! I hope the rest of the week is blissful and you ignore that mean old lady.

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