Saturday, June 10, 2023

One of those days

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I'm just going to put this out there: I'm not enjoying my break very much so far. As much as I like and need solitude, day after day of sitting at home alone while Gregg's at work is really starting to bother me. I'm recognizing some early signs of depression setting in and I'm not sure what to do about it. Some of it is triggered by stuff I have no control over.

A large part of the problem is that my dad is dying. I don't say that for sympathy, it's just a plain fact. He's been taken to the hospital in an ambulance three or four times in the past month, including this afternoon. His health problems are too numerous to go into here, but he's rapidly going downhill. My mom is doing the best she can to look after him (he really wants to die at home, if possible) but the strain is wearing on her. I try to offer support where and how I can, but there's not much to be done at this point. I hate thinking about what life's going to be like when my dad's no longer around. And it's heartbreaking to watch him suffer.  I'm having a hard time with it all. 

Besides the family stress, I just feel generally dull and unhappy. I've been sleeping too much, and for the past week I've struggled to get out of bed in the morning. Mostly I lie there until around noon. Some of it is almost surely hormonal. I have all the classic signs of perimenopause and certain times of the month (like today) I'm have a hard time functioning. I suppose a chat with my doctor is probably in order. 

Nothing like facing the loss of a parent along with evidence of your own aging and physical decline, huh?

42 comments:

  1. I understand, my dad died of lung cancer and it was a long, painful process.

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  2. Oh Jennifer, I think your dad's health crises and that he is dying is so sad and hard to deal with, I can see how you have little energy and are staying in bed for long hours. I hope you find a way to care for yourself tenderly, and friends can be helpers too. Hugs from California

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    1. Thanks for the kind words. I'll be okay. My dad's declining health isn't new, but things are getting difficult enough that I think my mom is going to have to soon make some decisions she'd rather not make.

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  3. oh Jennifer...I'm so sorry. My Daddy died in 1982 and I'm still not over it...will give the Goddess something shiny for him.

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  4. The dying of a parent quite naturally leads us to contemplate our own mortality. I am sorry you are struggling.

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    1. I'll be okay, yesterday was just an especially difficult day.

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  5. You do not sound ungrateful, so just don't do that to yourself, ok?
    My father died in 1997 of cancer, at home as he wanted. It was a hard time for my mother, my sister, and me. Talk with your primary care provider and try to head-off the depression you feel setting in. This is a hard time and not a time to think you can beat back the blues by yourself. It sounds trite, but take things day by day. Sending you peace and comfort.

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    1. Very wise words and good advice. Thank you.

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  6. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad Jennifer. I'm afraid it comes to all of us, and we all need to find our own ways of coping. My own way was by being left with a gigantic amount of work, dealing with the authorities, and moving house. I hardly had time to mourn.

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  7. Not to sound cold, but if your Dad is to pass let's hope it comes swift. I can't stand to see them and us in such sorrow and pain for long. We've been lucky in our family that we seem to just check out quickly or completely unexpectedly. I guess that is good?

    Hang in there...and try to enjoy your time before your new chapter. I think we can all get like you do. When it hits me, I try to take walks and be in nature more.

    xoxo

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    1. Yes, it sounds terrible, but I wish sometimes that dad could go ahead and pass on. He's increasingly miserable and it's heartbreaking to watch. More than anything I don't want him to suffer or to be scared. :( Thanks, Maddie.

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  8. Mistress Maddie‘s way of handling such times is pretty much my way, too. I am convinced I would not even be half as sane as I am if it weren‘t for my long walks.
    Jennifer, I can relate so well to how your Dad‘s decline affects you. With what my family went through last year, it was a wonder that my sister was the only one who suffered full-blown depression and was unable to work for many weeks.
    In your case, I suppose there is so much going on at the same time; you are still dealing with the aftermath of the most difficult time you had at work, now you are facing a new place of work with a lot to learn, plus your Dad is dying, and your own health has not been exactly brilliant.
    But hey, you are much loved and appreciated by Gregg, your dogs, your friends, your blogger friends; you have a beautiful home (with a new roof!), a thriving garden, and a bit more resting time before the new job starts (and it will be good!).

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    1. Your last paragraph sums up how lucky I am. I have plenty of support, and I know that I'll be okay. Some days are just rougher than others, you know?

      Thank you for always being there for me. You are a good friend. xx

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  9. Do what you know works for you to get through your days, but get the professional help you need right away. It's a lot to take on. Hugs!

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  10. Oh, I feel for you. Know that grief and depression are sisters, and can't always be separated. Add in the hormonal changes and the imbalances are hard to bear - physically and mentally. The feelings of powerlessness over things can be overwhelming. We aren't meant, as humans, to bear things alone. Seeing a good Dr or therapist is always a good place to start. Once I started HRT, I felt like I was back in life again. Sending good thoughts.

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    1. I've been noticing some unpleasant symptoms of hormonal shifts over the last year or so. It's past time that I speak to a doctor about it. Thanks for sharing, Karla.

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  11. It is a rough thing to go through, Jennifer, so your feelings are understandable and normal. Seek help if you need it and maybe look into hospice home visits for your Dad. My best friend said that hospice really helped her out when her husband was dying so that might be helpful for your Mom. Thinking of you...

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    1. I've starting talking to mom about the possibility of hospice. She needs more help than she's getting at the moment, that's for sure.

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  12. Hormones during the whole peri-menopause time can mess with your emotions far more than almost anyone seems to acknowledge. So yes, please speak with your doctor and know that this is indeed a painful time for you with your father's situation. It's just hard. I am loving you from afar, Jennifer.

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  13. Might be a good idea to find a local grief group to help share and process your feelings. Sleeping too much is a sign of depression as well.

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    1. Some of the fatigue is probably depression, but some of it is hormonal (I think) as well as my allergies and asthma flaring just recently (Canadian wildfire smoke has made it all the way this far south!).

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  14. Besides the impending loss of your father, you probably have PTSD from your very difficult school year. I'm hoping the dark clouds begin to lift soon, Jennifer. Take this time to nurture yourself.

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    1. It really was a horrible year at work, and I have to remind myself sometimes to quit thinking about it.

      Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment!

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  15. It is really so hard, losing a parent. The emotional exhaustion is real. Getting help is a good way to go.

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    1. I'm trying to stay calm and take it all as it comes, but it's hard sometimes not to overthink things and worry excessively.

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  16. See your provider ASAP. Stay connected to all the people in your life and take those doggies for long walks. No doubt there is some hormonal changes and depression is a bugger.

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    1. Taking the dogs out for walks, even quick ones, can help lift my mood a little. Walking is like free mental health therapy, isn't it?

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  17. As Gregg is some of the time self-employed is there anyway in which you can go with him on his rounds and help with his work one or two times a week? Then you would spend some time together and be doing useful work. Parents can be very difficult especially when it comes to health and age issues.

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    1. I probably could go with him, and it may not be a bad idea. I'll give it some thought...thank you for the suggestion. :)

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  18. A lot of good advice dispensed. Hope you pick some good ones, like see your health care provider. Else you soon will be up all night and sleeping all day.

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    1. I have an appointment to see my allergist later this month, and I think I also have a checkup with my primary care doctor sometime later this summer.

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  19. One of the hardest parts of life is seeing your loved ones decline and nothing can be done about it. Hugs.

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  20. So very normal on all fronts and getting medical help and counseling seem the best solutions. It is painful and difficult to deal with the loss of loved ones (and of our own youth and well-being) Thinking of you!

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  21. Jennifer, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Losing a parent is very difficult, and allow yourself to do what you need to do to get through this rough time. Life is bittersweet. My thoughts are with you.

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  22. Thats very sad, but I'm sure you're a comfort to your mum at this difficult time.

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  23. Hi Jennifer; Long time reader, lurker and an old lady who's been there and done that. And I don't certainly mean to be flip...it's unfortunately part of life and it beyond sucks. You are not alone in this. All I can say is that all of the above suggestions are wonderful and excellent advice. Please take advantage of what's available to you and move forward as best you can. It's going to be tough but you're going to be fine. Holding you in my heart and will light a wee candle for you tonight.

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  24. Sorry to hear this Jennifer but I think it is quite brave of you to admit what is going on in your life after the busyness of a full school year. Please snap out of it from the beginning of next week. Set yourself a time for getting up and stick with it. Take the dogs out for a walk, enjoy a healthy breakfast, read a chapter or two of a good book, listen to some music, tend your plants. plan a nice meal for when Gregg comes home, talk to your mother on the phone, talk to a friend, be kind to yourself.

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