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Thursday, June 23, 2016

Bad day

Yesterday was a bad day.

To begin with, I woke up sick to my stomach (nausea and diarrhea) for no good reason. But what's worse, I also woke up filled with anxiety and sadness. I don't talk about this much (especially not here on the blog) but for years I've taken a maintenance dose of an SSRI to treat OCD and depression. Last year, my regular doctor who prescribed my medicine changed practices and was no longer covered by my insurance.  I haven't gotten around to finding a new doctor yet (my husband's GP isn't taking new patients) and my prescription for Zoloft ran out two or three weeks ago. I decided to try going without it to see how it would be, and now I'm beginning to think that was a mistake. I've not had any OCD symptoms yet (thank god) but my emotions are all over the place.

When I first felt a knot of anxiety building deep inside last weekend, I thought it was just due to my dread of going back to a job I hate after vacation ended. And I definitely think that was part of it. Unfortunately, there's a strong possibility I have some withdrawal from the Zoloft going on, too. I keep crying over the smallest things, and I'm not sleeping well, and then there's the stomach trouble this morning....I suppose I should be thankful that at least I'm not checking that the stove is off 50 times before leaving the house, or feeling compelled to drive around the block over and over again to make sure I haven't killed someone with my car. OCD is a terrible disease. I really would like to try life without medication for awhile because I've been mostly symptom free for over a decade now. But I guess it depends on how bad the side effects of quitting get to be.

Gregg was alarmed today when I told him I wasn't taking the Zoloft anymore. He remembers the 6 months or so in my mid twenties when I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. And it wasn't pretty. I'm not sure I would have survived those days without his love and support. He made me promise to get my gynecologist to write me a new prescription when I go for my yearly pap smear next week. That way, if I decide that quitting isn't working out, I'll be prepared. In the meantime, I'm just over here trying to ride out the storm.

Then I checked Facebook last night before bed and found out that a woman who was a friend of mine in high school had just lost her 17 year old son to cancer. So then I cried again, this time for her and her family. How utterly devastated they must be. That makes three friends of mine who have lost children this year. Talk about putting a little mild depression and anxiety into perspective.

Life seems awfully hard sometimes, doesn't it?

13 comments:

  1. Sending you hugs from California dear friend. I believe "this too shall pass" for you, and joy and calm will return.

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    1. It will pass, and thank you, Terra. I appreciate your friendship and am so glad we met through John's blog!

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  2. My warm hugs to you Jenny...xxx
    Greeting Maria x

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    1. You are the only person who calls me Jenny, and I kind of like it. So no apologies needed, my friend!

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  3. Thank you for being brave enough to share some of your medication/OCD secrets with your blogging friends. To tell you the truth I was surprised. As you say, life can be hard and many of us have secrets we hide from the everyday world. Things are not always as they might at first appear. Best wishes from Yorkshire... x

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    1. It was hard for me to put that out there, which is why I kept almost deleting the post. Thanks for the kind words.

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  4. I am just catching up on this today Jennifer. I know how hard it is to talk about it. I have experience of this because Peter has had two nervous breakdowns. It is something I live with in one way and he lives with in another. The two are not of course the same. I understand that it is difficult to stop the medication once it is prescribed and we talk of it together as if "topping up the oil in the car", it is the only way it is talked about between us mostly. But it is the right thing for him. I understand the difficulties. I cannot say more than that but I send you love and understanding. Speak to the doctor soonxx

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    1. Thank you, Rachel. All the support from my friends here means a lot.

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  5. Bugger! But brave for sharing lass

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    1. Well, I'm not actually very brave at all, but at some point I realized that the only way to have more than a superficial relationship with my blog friends is to open up a little and risk being vulnerable.

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  6. I wonder if your body is not just re-setting its 'norms', and ridding itself of unwanted toxins. I think you should find yourself a new and sympathetic doc'; maybe there are new meds out there that would help.

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    1. I think you're right about resetting norms. I would truly like to try being medication free for a while and see how it goes. I've been mentally healthy for a long time now, and I have lots of support no matter what. And medication is always there as an option if I need it.

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