Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Gloomy Wednesday

 Later tonight my book club is meeting for the first time since February, but I won't be joining them. Despite the fact that they're meeting outdoors, and it's going to be "bring your own drink and snacks" and masks will be worn, I found out that Gregg was really uncomfortable with the idea because of our rising Covid infection rates. It seemed wrong to go if it caused him anxiety so I canceled. He's probably right, but I sure hate not going. Those women are so important to me and I look to them for support, and I miss them. Sigh.

I'm feeling sad a lot these days. My estrangement from my parents (my dad sent me a message apologizing for how he spoke to me, but my mom has doubled down on cutting me out of her life), missing Ginger (it's still so hard), Covid restrictions, the upcoming election and political situation, it's just....a lot. Stress is contributing to some physical ailments, too--stomach/digestive issues, major eczema flares. Taken together, every day I just feel down in the dumps.

 I try not to complain because I know how lucky I am in many ways but almost everything feels "off" lately. I hate the fact that the days are so much shorter, too. After the time change it's going to be dark right after I get home from work and I dread that. Then the other night we saw where some experts are saying the next 6-12 weeks are going to be the worst of the pandemic. Who knows how all that will play out, but I know for sure that the holidays aren't going to be the best this year. I'm dreading those, too.

Also, lucky me--I leave in half an hour to go to the dentist. It's just a routine cleaning and checkup but I've had so many bad experiences at the dentist (although not my current one) that my anxiety almost gets the better of me when I have to go in for anything. I can't keep putting the appointment off though because I was originally supposed to go the week that Ginger died. When the nice girl called me the day before to remind me I burst into tears on the phone and explained that I couldn't possibly go, because my dog was dying. The poor girl felt so sorry for me and I was embarrassed. So the appointment has already been delayed since August. I might as well get it over with.

How's your week going? Better than mine, I hope!

40 comments:

  1. It is hard to be cheerful and upbeat in this ****ing pandemic. Your honest self-description and your reference to various anxieties make you perfectly normal Jennifer. Many people are feeling what you are feeling right now even though they might not be able to express those feelings or prefer to veil them. Hang on in there. One day we will get through this. Love to Gregg, George and last but not least - Marco!

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    1. I'm sending you love right back, my friend. :)

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    2. My first time meeting with a Psychic medium and I have to say, it's really worth it. It had been 6months since my husband left me without saying anything.All thanks to Dr Adoda I was able to connect with my husband again with his powerful reunion love spell and now he loves me more than he used to. Eternally grateful with The Great Dr Adoda! I highly recommend, His contact details ( http://dradodalovetemple.com )

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  2. {{{{{hugs}}}}}.

    could you be starting "the change"? you might want to consult your GYN. I know I started at age 45 and it was 2 years of hellish mood swings. woman to woman, get a checkup, there are meds that can help. LOVE YOU!

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    1. Thanks Anne Marie. No signs of the change yet, although my PMS symptoms have gotten pretty intense in the last year and my older friends tell me that's a sign of perimenopause. I'll mention it to the doctor but I really think it's just the shitty year I've been having, particularly the last three months or so.

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  3. Sorry you are feeling down. Hope that soon you will be able to rest, relax, and recover. I am hoping that after Nov. 3rd (coming so soon!!) we all will be able to celebrate and breathe a sigh of relief when Biden wins. (Fingers crossed!) Look for the tiny happinesses in your life to help you work your way back from your sadness. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you Ellen. I'm afraid to even hope that we'll be able to breathe that sigh of relief after Nov. 3. I dare not hope (out loud, at least).

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  4. I hope that dental appointment leaves your teeth bright and your smile shiny and you dance all the way home.

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    1. My teeth are nice and shiny and the appointment wasn't too bad. Thank you!

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  5. Hope things start getting better for you soon. A big hug coming your way.

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    1. Hey Doc, I see that things are going fairly well for you and the Mrs. :) I'm so glad.

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  6. I'm so sorry you are feeling so down and not feeling good physically either. This time of the year when it stays so dark and starts getting cold always get to me and I often get sick then as well. You have so many things to understandably stress you.

    I'm sorry you are missing the book club meeting, but I do understand your concerns. Has your group considered doing Zoom meetings? It would be safer for everyone and that way you could still visit.

    By the time you read this hopefully that dentist appointment will be behind you! I hate going to the dentist too. Now that this appointment is done maybe you won't have to go for another six months at least.

    Sending love and hugs!

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    1. I'm not set up with a video camera on my home computer to do zoom meetings, and they're not worth bothering with on my phone. I want the real deal when I'm able to go to book club again---laughter and wine and hugs and a lot of catching up. In person. I miss them so much.

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  7. It's been a dreadful year so far, and it looks as if it's getting worse; which was always on the cards. So, what's the solution? I really don't know, but I suspect Gregg was probably right to advise you against gathering with too many other people. We have to find what makes us the happiest and follow that to the full. I love singing along to old favourites; Abba, The Monkeys, anything like that. It makes me feel great.

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  8. It is all very understandable; in the current situation (or should I say situations, as in plural) it is not easy to find anything to be cheerful and happy about - except maybe little P. with his great sense of fun!
    I understand also very well why Gregg feels uncomfortable about you going to the book club meeting, and at the same time I also understand how important the meeting would have been for you.
    Hopefully, your dentist appointment goes well. I am not exactly a hero in that department, either!

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    1. "Not exactly a hero" hahahah!! Thank you Meike, that made me laugh.

      Little P. always makes me laugh, almost every day. And MOST days he wants a quick (masked) hug when he gets to our school in the afternoon...which makes me happy.

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  9. My book club hasn't met for a while either, we're just doing online reviews of the books we've read. I miss the live chat as well. I don't fancy an outdoors meeting though, it's getting a bit too cold for that.

    I also have a few physical ailments that are probably stress-related, as I'm usually pretty healthy. The pandemic is going to be a long tedious slog until it's finally under control. Just try and enjoy all the things you can still do despite the virus. I'm doing a heck of a lot of reading - I'm really enjoying The Confession by Jessie Burton.

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    1. I need to find something new and good to read! Right now it tends to be mindless stuff with one exception that I'll post about soon. Thank you for stopping by!

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  10. It's not surprising you are feeling down. Life is so different now and you have the added thing of the election - we hear all about it here too despite being across an ocean!
    I'm not looking forward to my 3rd winter alone, but I got through two already - just need to think up strategies.
    Hope you get through too

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    1. Awww, Sue. Thank you. I hope you're not too lonely in the winter. Losing a beloved partner would be so hard. Hugs.

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  11. So sorry for how you're feeling, although your feelings are very common right now. Times suck. Added to it our own personal issues -- like the loss of Ginger and your parents shitty-tude. THAT really sucks. As for the dentist, I've got my cleaning next week. Hug Gregg. Err on the side of caution. And, be kind to yourself

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    1. Shitty-tude! Yes! Haha. And it really does suck. I try to let the trouble with my parents roll off my back, after all, we aren't exactly close at the best of times, but this current estrangement hurts more than I expected.

      Please give San G. and the kitties hugs from me. And I'm sending a virtual one to you!

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  12. It has been a 'pile-on' for you lately so not surprising to find yourself overwhelmed and sad. Just know that you are not alone--lots of us are feeling that taut-stretched mood for various reasons, but we're also sending good thoughts your way. Hang in there.

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    1. I'm sending you good vibes right back! Thank you for reading and for leaving this nice comment.

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  13. Oh , Jennifer, these are very difficult times and your feelings are understandable. We are bombarded with so much lately and then there are the personal things that add to anxiety. Meditation ( which I used to think was bunk) has helped me cope and given me some peace. I hope you can find something today to give you some joy.

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    1. I should probably look into meditation and learning to detach a bit from my emotions. I seem to be a puddle of emotion these days....maybe Anne Marie (in an earlier comment) was right........

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  14. It's all too much now, isn't it? Add in a few other things that are stressful during the most normal of times and it's a sort of overload that's almost too much to live with.
    I hope the dental appointment went well and swiftly.
    Hang in there, sweetie. One foot in front of the other, etc., etc. Everything sounds so trite. I'm sorry. Please know you are deeply loved.

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    1. " Please know you are deeply loved" made me cry. Thank you for that. You have no idea how much that means to me right now.

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  15. I can identify with so much of what you're saying. Things just SUCK right now, in general. I've heard so many people express similar feelings -- in fact I was just having that very conversation with Dave. And you've had additional heavy stuff happen.

    I'm glad your dad apologized. That's progress.

    Fingers crossed that the dentist was uneventful!

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    1. The dentist was uneventful, except the woman who cleaned my teeth turned out to be an old employee of my first dentist here in town. The dentist was a kindly old man who did excellent work and had the most soothing manner, and this lady was one of the nicest staff members who worked for him, and she's super gentle when she cleans your teeth. What a nice surprise that she's working at the dental practice I use now!

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  16. My weeks not so bad, except for finding the algae in the tank. Buckle up! Things are going to get better, a little birdie told me so.

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  17. Days like that I curl in a ball and cry until it's all washed out (I don't know what's washed out, it just is!)
    Chocolate helps!

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  18. Almost everyone in the world feels the way you do in today's difficult situation. In my opinion, it is okay for you to do activities outside the home as long as you apply strict personal hygiene protocols. I am concerned about the relationship between you and your family, I wish you all the better soon.
    Greetings from Indonesia.

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  19. Goodness you have had such a difficult few months and year. No wonder you are feel somewhat off. Things have to get better.
    cheers, parsnip

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  20. My first time meeting with a Psychic medium and I have to say, it's really worth it. It had been 6months since my husband left me without saying anything.All thanks to Dr Adoda I was able to connect with my husband again with his powerful reunion love spell and now he loves me more than he used to. Eternally grateful with The Great Dr Adoda! I highly recommend, His contact details ( http://dradodalovetemple.com )

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  21. These days and days and more days of the pandemic and isolation and worry about our health are tough. You are not alone, I am cheering for you. Hugs from Terra

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  22. You are dealing with issues I never had to deal with, Jennifer.
    Estrangement from your parents, your mother not giving way.
    Digestive problems, eczema, and everywhere the lockdown.

    I hope you stop *dreading* the dark nights. I dreaded them myself at your age, but it gets much easier with time, it really does, and the mood swings slow down. I got to enjoy the winter by reading up on astronomy, astro-physics, Sci-Fi, poetry, and learning to listen to great music, particularly piano and symphonic. Conversation with kind people, and laughter, reduce the feeling we are alone.

    Every year a story is being told, and if we left out winter, we'd miss an essential part of the story. Also, as Merlin said in *The Sword in the Stone*, the best thing for being sad is to learn something.

    The battle is always with the mind, but remember, the plasticity of the mind means we can add new input all the time, positive input. You have the right to feel peace, and peace brings contentment. Happiness comes, and goes, as a by-product.

    Please watch YouTube videos of Sam Harris on Mindfulness meditation. He talks of how we become victims of our own mind's negative script. And how we can free ourselves from the bad stuff our mind plays back destructively.
    Sam is an atheist, and I am not, but I admire him, both for his humility, his uncommon sense, and his knowledge, a Ph.D. in Neuro-Cognitive Science.

    This place you are in is the restless valley of the mind. Strange as it may sound, I look back with gratitude on my own journey through the valley. I was learning things at the time and did not know it. Our minds are bigger than our fears. And we can stand outside the Covid-19 crisis, learning wise detachment.
    Yours, Jack.

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  23. How to instantly achieve a Calm State/ Sam Harris on Impact Theory.
    June 25, 2019. (Tom Bilyeu.)

    A Guided Meditation with Sam Harris.

    Waking up with Sam Harris - Looking for the self. (26 minute meditation.)

    All on YouTube.

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  24. lots of people feel similar. We want to return to 'reality' but dammit it is not yet good to do so.

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