Just coping

Just a short post today to say that no, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. Writing anything for the past week has felt nearly impossible. I tried to sit down and write something once or twice but had to give it up; I deleted everything I typed almost immediately.

Obviously, the election results were a shock and very distressing. I've had to totally disengage with the news and the political podcasts I've followed so closely for months now. I'm also cutting way back on social media consumption (not counting blogs and blogging) and have removed some apps from my phone, like Facebook and Reddit. 

The morning of the election, right after we had voted, Gregg had an appointment with his oncologist to go over the results of his yearly chest scan. When he got back home, I asked him if everything was okay. He replied, "Some complications have come up." 

My heart dropped.

Since 2018 they've been monitoring a small, slow growing mass in his right lung. Which is his only lung, having lost the left one to cancer 12 years ago. Last year they had him do a PET scan out of an abundance of caution, and nothing lit up as cancerous. Well, at last week's oncology appointment the recent scan revealed that the mass has grown faster than usual this year. Dr. Smith is sending him for another PET scan next week, followed by appointments with both him and with Vinod, our pulmonologist friend. They're not screwing around or wasting time, and while I'm grateful for their sense of urgency, it scares me.

There are several good, positive signs: his bloodwork looks good and mostly unchanged from the last few years, there's been no weight loss, he feels good physically, etc. Also, since he had a PET scan just over a year ago that was fine, chances are if there's a problem it's in early stages and will be more treatable...

I can tell myself these things all day long, though, and it doesn't do much to quell the sick anxiety that keeps rising up in my chest. I'm so worried. Knowing we'll have to wait two weeks for more information feels almost intolerable to me.

Gregg is worried, of course, but seems to be handling it all okay. I'm doing my best to be okay around him, and carry on as normally as possible. Yesterday was his birthday, and despite everything we had a pretty good day. I made him the meal he requested: meatloaf and mashed potatoes and I bought a small strawberry pound cake and ice cream for dessert. 

So that's where I am at the moment. Trying to carry on each day like everything's normal when everything is emphatically not. Between the election, and now this worry about Gregg, and everything else that's been going on this year, sometimes I feel like I'm barely hanging on.