After last weekend's balmy, spring-like temperatures, things have shifted and this morning it's 19 degrees outside. There's also talk about a chance of snow on Sunday, although I'll have to see that to believe it. Still, it's gearing up to be a long weekend of cold weather and staying snug in the house. I say "long weekend" because Monday is MLK day, a federal holiday and an extra day off. It's a very welcome break, even though we just returned from the holidays a couple of weeks ago. It's so hard to drag myself out of bed on these cold, dark mornings, even after going to bed early and getting plenty of sleep.
Our school is doing a "January Weight Loss Challenge" with anyone who wants to participate putting $20 into the pot, winner take all at the end of April when we have our last weigh-in. It's going to amount to about $400 for the person who loses the biggest percentage of their body weight (which of course is fairer than just number of pounds lost).
We had our initial weigh in on Monday. I was devastated to realize I've gained back most of the weight I lost last year. I was so disgusted with myself. I knew that I'd gained some back, based on how my clothes fit, but I hadn't dared step on a scale in two months. I was hoping it wouldn't be too bad, but what a wake-up call. I've been in a funk all week since then.
Sometimes I despair of ever being in better shape. I feel middle-aged, fat, and ugly these days. Everyone always says to be kind to yourself, and work on your self-esteem, and talk about "self-care" blah blah blah, but right now I'm struggling with those things. To be honest, I don't like myself very much these days. If I could take the weight loss jabs, I would, but since I'm not even pre-diabetic my insurance won't cover them and I can't afford the out-of-pocket cost.
So here I am, beginning again, damn it. I don't expect to win the Weight Loss Challenge, but if I can take some of this weight back off, I'll consider that enough of a win. Gregg and I are planning a vacation to Kitty Hawk, NC this year for our 20th wedding anniversary and I'd really love to not look like a whale on the beach. I'd also like to look nice for my husband, who deserves a wife who takes better care of herself than I have been.
2 comments:
Jennifer, it is cold here in central Virginia this morning too. When I took the dogs out, it was 21 degrees. And yesterday it only got up to 37 and it was windy, which made it seem all the worse. I am sorry that you are having some self-esteem issues. I get it as I tend to go in cycles where I have my own self-esteem issues myself. I have been that way all of my life. If it means anything, I think Gregg is very lucky indeed to have you as his partner. I can tell from your blog posts and your comments that you have a big heart, and that matters a whole lot in my humble opinion!
I understand. I truly, truly get it. But shame tends to feed on itself. Don't do that to yourself. After working so hard, I gave myself a break over the holidays. End result? I have gained 7 pounds since Thanksgiving. No more breaks for me! I wish we lived closer! Going to the gym makes me feel better, but also, I see that I am not alone. There are a lot of us. Good luck! You have done it once. You can do it again.
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