It's that time of the year again

It has been difficult for me to blog daily about gratitude this week. As always, this time of year rolls around and my life slowly fills with gloom. I associate the weeks between Halloween and New Year's with bad luck and trouble, especially the week after Christmas. Year after year, bad things happen to me during that week and now I have an almost superstitious dread of it. Things usually start going wrong around now, and the last week of the year is the climax. I realise this sounds melodramatic, but just consider a small sample of  things that have gone wrong for me during past holiday seasons:

1. GB and I blew a transmission on I-95 one year while driving to Raleigh, NC to visit family. We were stranded by the interstate for HOURS that day (a Saturday afternoon) with no idea how we were going to get home. It was awful. I cried.

2. Our last dog, an almost 16 year old beloved cocker spaniel named Nicky, got very sick and was in horrible pain the week after Christmas. He had to be put to sleep on Dec. 28. It remains one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with.

3. Last year, I got the news that I (and a handful of people I cared about) would be losing our jobs--also on Dec. 28.

4. My grandfather died unexpectedly on Christmas Day when I was 14. He literally just dropped dead that afternoon, after walking upstairs to get something. It was a heart attack. The doctors said he was dead as soon as he hit the floor.

5. On Thanksgiving a couple of years ago my dad got very sick and had to be admitted to the hospital. They found a blood clot in his leg and had to monitor his condition very closely, since he had/has some serious health problems to begin with. I spent the next few weeks scared that something was going to happen to him.

This is just a small sample of what my holiday seasons have been like throughout my life. There are many, many more things that have happened this time of year that aren't so dramatic. Those were just some of the highlights.

I wonder why certain periods of time are unlucky like this. I know plenty of people who feel the same way about other months or seasons. I wonder if it somehow becomes a self fulfilling prophecy? You get what you expect? I don't know. I sure wish I could find a way to change it if it's within my power!  That was one of my reasons for trying to focus on gratitude for the days leading up to Thanksgiving. I was giving it my best shot--focusing on my blessings and what is going right in my life--and hoping that the final weeks of this year would be uneventful and (dare I say it?) happy.

Then yesterday I got a call that my dad was sick and at a doctor's office here in town. I went to sit and wait with him. He had an abscess behind a tooth, near his sinus cavity, that had to be lanced. I know that ordinarily something like that wouldn't be a huge deal (although he felt awful) but for someone with heart problems and problems healing, almost any medical procedure can be risky. I was frightened, and trying not to show it to him or my mom. I kept thinking that if anything did happen to him, with my luck, it would be just this time of year.

Thank goodness, he seemed to be OK after it was over, and his mouth felt better. I spoke to my mom later and she said he was much better, to my great relief. I worry about my dad, especially when some new health issue comes up. So today, this is what I am thankful for: my dad, and the fact that he doesn't seem to be in any serious trouble this time. I'm still having a hard time shaking the nagging fear and worry, though.  Especially with the holidays looming.

Morning brew

Today, as I get ready to go to work, I am simply grateful that there is good coffee in the world. I have a fresh, fragrant pot brewing right now. The smell alone makes getting out of bed seem worthwhile!

For the love of fur and feathers

Today I am thankful for my pets and the love they bring into my life.

Even though Marco wakes us up too early most mornings, and can be as demanding as a toddler, he is the funniest, sweetest little guy. Just this morning he looked at me and said (in the saddest little voice), "I gotta go to work." It made me literally laugh at loud.

My dog, Ginger, is truly one of my best friends. She is a wonderful walking partner. With her for company I have worked my way up to walking 2-3 miles a day, as opposed to being a total coach potato. She is smart and loving and a fierce protector of our home and of me. When GB isn't at home, she will not let strange men (like the plumber or salesmen) get too close to me.  She will sit down in front of my legs, raise the fur on her neck, and growl menacingly at them unless I insist that everything is ok.  She only does it with strange men, and with me.  I don't know where she learned such a thing, but she seems to consider it her duty to defend me (GB, not so much. I guess she thinks guys can look out for themselves!)  Otherwise, she is totally sweet. She is gentle with children, affectionate to our friends (and she never forgets them, even if we don't see them for months) and she never barks unless there is a good reason. Ginger is also the most naturally obedient dog I've ever seen.  She will almost always stop on a dime and do exactly what you tell her to, even though we've never formally trained her.  What a great dog she has turned out to be!

Ginger and Marco make my life so much happier, and so much more fun! I love those two!

Catching up on gratitude

Yesterday I meant to write a blog post continuing with my theme of Gratitude. Unfortunately, I had a really rough day at work, and fell asleep early last night. So today I will write the post I meant to write yesterday.

I am grateful for my job.  Is it perfect?  Far from it!  In fact, I have been somewhat disappointed in it.  I always wanted to work in a bookstore or library, but it turns out that a retail job is pretty much the same no matter what you're selling.  And some of the people I work with are mean, backbiting, gossipy, and difficult.  This has been a tough thing for me to adjust to since there is not the same spirit of teamwork and camaraderie as at my last job, which I had for almost 8 years.  When we went out of business at the beginning of the year, it was sad and scary.  Most of the people there felt like family to me, and even though we had the normal stresses of working in retail, pretty much everyone got along and liked each other.  Now there is the retail stress, like always, but the people at my new job don't like each other, for the most part.  There is also a tendency for several of them to slack off, then look for others to criticise and blame for the results.  My boss is a wonderful, decent, caring person, but she does not like confrontation and tends to ignore behavior that really hurts morale and should be addressed.

So why am I thankful for the job?  Well, to begin with, I was able to start the job two days after my last one ended.  Although I took a pay cut (I went from being a store manager to one of three merchandise managers) it was not too severe, and my pay is adequate for my simple lifestyle.  Most importantly, I was able to get health coverage for myself and my husband.  He works for a small business that doesn't offer it, and is also partially self-employed, so I have always carried insurance for us. That was one of my main concerns when I found out I was losing my job at the beginning of the year--losing our access to health care.  For those readers that don't live in the USA, let me just tell you.....our health care costs are astronomical, and if you don't have coverage (and coverage is expensive, even when you have an employer's group plan) you are going to be royally screwed if anything happens that requires any sort of hospital care.  And drugs are terribly, terribly expensive...even maintenance drugs that you need to take on an ongoing basis.   Health care in the US is a nightmare, but again, that's a rant for another day. I was able to get both of us covered at my new job within 60 days of starting.  I was really grateful for that.

Another reason I am thankful for the job: our economy is in the toilet. So many people are out of work, and have been out of work for months. I was so fortunate to find a job right away when so many other people have lost jobs and have been unable to find another. I also got about 2 months salary as severance pay, and was able to put it all in savings. That gives us a tiny bit of extra security, and I know how fortunate that makes us. 

So even though I don't love my job, even though some days are so stressful I leave in tears, even though I would like to do something that speaks to my soul.....I know that I am blessed to be able to pay my bills, to be reasonably comfortable financially, to have some small savings to fall back on...and of course, health care coverage. I am doing my best to remember these things when I feel sorry for myself for not liking my job.

10 Days of Gratitude

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart


Since the countdown to Halloween blog party is over, I've found myself lost as to what to write about. It's not that I don't have ideas for blog posts, it's just that it was easier when I had a definite focus in mind.  That being said, I've decided that from now until Thanksgiving I will try to post daily about things I am thankful for. 

Although I don't care much for Thanksgiving as a national holiday (and it's all founded on lies, but that's a rant for another day) I do love the idea of being thankful for the blessings in my life.  It's so easy to spend my days worrying about problems, focused on things that aren't going right in my life, thinking how I don't measure up to other people, and brooding about bad stuff that may happen that I have no control over anyway.  This time of year, in particular, seems to lend itself to sadness and anxiety for me.  The gloom won't fully go away until the days start lengthening again and the holiday season is firmly behind us.  Mid November is the time when I really find my mood turning dark and my worries multiplying.  I don't want it to be this way this year!

So today I will start a two week series of blog posts all about the things (big and small) that I am thankful for.  The things that make life good.  If anyone out there would like to do the same, please join me, and welcome! I'm calling this my 10 Days of Gratitude.   Posts need not be fancy, even a line or two a day of things to be thankful for will do!  Here goes day one for me:

I am grateful today for my home.  It is in a terribly messy state right now, and I'll be cleaning for a few hours. This may not be a fun way to spend a day off (and earlier I was feeling pissy about it) but how lucky am I to have a safe, spacious, comfortable home full of all the junk I could afford to accumlate? The pile of science-fair worthy leftovers that need cleaning in my refrigerator and the dirty dishes in the sink are all clear signs that the people who live here never go hungry!  What a wonderful thing that is, when you stop and think about it!  When I go grocery shopping later (another chore I was dreading) I will go about it with a grateful heart, and remember those who don't have enough to eat. And when the clerk checks me out, I'll throw in a couple of the $5 food boxes the store is donating to the local food bank.   Then I'll come home and remember that it's a blessing to have groceries to put away and dinner to cook, and a nice home to do both in!

So that is what I am grateful for today: my home,  no matter how messy and imperfect it may be, and all it's comforts.  I am one very lucky woman, indeed.