The party

My mother in law's memorial party was last night. We arrived at the house a few hours before to sort through some of her things. Gregg's sister had very kindly helped sort through a lot of childhood papers, pictures, and memorabilia ahead of time and had a big box packed up and ready for us when we got there. It's astounding, the things she had unearthed. Edythe was a very devoted mother and her children (and later, her grandchildren) were her whole world. For his share, Gregg received things ranging from the cub scout badges and cap he had as a small boy to the letter he left for his parents as a young teenager when he and his buddy Henry decided to run away from home. (It's hilarious, by the way). There are report cards, sports trophies, model cars his dad helped him build, even the cast he wore when he broke his arm in the second grade! And lots and lots of pictures.

Little Gregory, way back when. Check out the buzz cut and the bow tie!

Edythe had left written instructions for the party we were to have after she died. When everyone had arrived, her husband, Lou, welcomed everyone and made a short speech explaining that Edythe had wanted a party instead of a funeral. Then he said (to our surprise) that she had left something to be read aloud to the guests.............and then he began to cry. Stoic, dutiful, highly logical and rarely emotional Lou was crying and it broke my heart. Through his tears, with his voice choking up, he said he had asked his grandchildren to read Edythe's words to us in his place, and so the two youngest ones did. The note was very simple, something to the effect of: "Have balloons, and lots of good food, and play music that I liked from the 50's, 60's, and 70's. Everyone have fun and no tears.......okay, maybe just one or two tears!! and remember the good times we had. I love you."

Then a few of the older people told a few stories about Edythe, but Lou's sadness had struck a somber tone at that point so they were limited. None of the children or grandchildren wanted to speak, except just before we wrapped up that part of the party Gregg's sister gave a wonderful short speech praising Lou for taking such wonderful care of her these last few years. She told how he had abandoned his own friends and hobbies and spent every day taking care of her. He diligently researched every drug she took, every diagnosis she received, every new treatment that came out for her issues. He waited on her, bathed her, kept her medication sorted and reminded her to take it each day, drove her to all medical appointments, and through it all maintained the patience of a saint and never once complained. It was a beautiful speech and I was proud of her for giving it. I doubt there was a dry eye in the room when she had finished. After that, everyone was invited to eat and mingle, and it felt more like a party again.

Lou did a good job planning everything. He had spent hours on the computer, compiling over 400 photos of Edythe taken over the course of her life and worked it out so that they were scrolling on the big TV in his den. Everyone kept going back to it to watch. There was music from the 50's playing softly in the background. The dining room and kitchen had big platters of finger foods and desserts along with paper plates and napkins so everyone could mill around and talk while eating.And yes, there were balloons. In every room.

We got home very late last night and were both utterly exhausted. I'm still kind of tired today, and my feelings seem very tender at the moment. It feels like Edythe is truly gone now and there's nothing left to do but miss her.

Keepsakes

Next Saturday is the memorial party for my mother in law. We got this invitation from her husband via email:

You are invited to a party to celebrate the life of Edythe Smith Yates

at 4:00 pm on Saturday, January 27, 2018 at my house , (street address)

Raleigh, NC 27609.  Edythe requested a family only memorial party rather

than the usual memorial church service.

I am trying to invite all family members who knew Edythe, including

aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, children of cousins, our children and

grandchildren.  Spouses or special friends are also invited. This email

will go to those in my address book. Others will be contacted by phone.

I hope you will be inspired to share your stories and good feelings

about Edythe.  (Consider this an opportunity not a requirement.)  I will

try to get participation started by asking for your earliest memories of

Edythe.  I hope that Gailya (Edythe's sister) will tell about Edythe's early school years

and that Harold (Edythe's brother) will tell about her horsewomanship (or was it

mulewomanship).

Casual dress will be appropriate.  A finger food, paper plate on the

knees dinner will be provided.

Please reply with a yes, no, or maybe and how many by Saturday, January

20 if possible so that I will order enough food.

Phone or email if you have questions or suggestions.

Looking forward to seeing you all.

Louis Yates

When plans for the party were being discussed Lou suggested we drive up the day before to go through some of Edythe's things that we might want to keep. He's been sending out detailed lists of furniture, jewelry, keepsakes, etc to us and to my brother and sister in law. Gregg can't bear to even discuss going through her things. His sister (who lives in Raleigh) has been helping to sort through the stuff, including family pictures, so I plan to suggest that she puts aside anything she thinks we might want and we'll trust her judgement. Aside from a few small things and pictures, there's nothing in particular we feel very strongly about, certainly not strongly enough about to squabble over with the rest of the family. The very idea is distasteful to us both.

Edythe did give me a lovely keepsake and family heirloom several years ago when Gregg had just finished chemotherapy--the wedding ring his father had given her when they married. (Gregg's dad passed away years and years ago). She said she wanted me to have it after I took such good care of her son while he was sick. She also gave me some tiny rubies that had come from a pin his dad got as a retirement gift from the company he worked for (rubies were his birthstone) and a couple of small diamonds from jewelry he had given her. Gregg has suggested we take it all to a jeweler next summer and have something made for me with it all for our next wedding anniversary. I think that's such a sweet idea! I'm glad Edythe gave me those things long before she died. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for them now, and honestly, it wouldn't even occur to me to ask. I loved her very much, we were great friends, but I would never presume to demand any special family heirlooms. She was wise to give us the things she particularly wanted us to have before she died. 

So we won't be going up to Raleigh the night before the party to go through her things. Instead, we're going up a couple of hours before and taking whatever things Gregg's sister has put aside for us. Then after the party, we'll either drive straight home or get a hotel room for night. We would be welcome to spend the night at Lou's house, and there's plenty of room, but now that Edythe is gone being there feels weird and sad.  We'll probably just come on home.

Peace

Thank you everyone for all of your concern and kind words after my last post. Gregg's mom passed away peacefully Monday night, surrounded by her loved ones.

I would like to write more about Edythe, her life and what she meant to me and to the whole family, but I can't right now. Things are still too raw and my emotions are still too mixed up to do her justice, so I'll just say this: she was a good woman and as devoted a mother as I've ever seen. From the day I first met her almost 20 years ago, when Gregg and I were still barely more than friends, she treated me like one of her own daughters. People make jokes about mothers-in-law, but mine was a second mother (and a dear friend) to me. I am so grateful for her life, and for the son she raised into the good man he is today.

As per Edythe's wishes, her body has been donated to Duke University Medical Center for research purposes, after anything still useful was taken for organ donation. We are so proud of her for that! Lou (her husband) told us yesterday that her corneas have already been donated to someone to help them see again. When I think of what a blessing that will be to some family over the upcoming holidays, a tiny bit of the hurt inside me is eased. I admire Edythe's spunk. Not many girls born on a farm in rural North Carolina in the 1930's would ever consider foregoing a traditional funeral and instead will her body to science and ask her family to throw a party in her honor, but those were her wishes! How cool is that? There will be some sort of very small gathering for the family a bit closer to Christmas, the details of which still need to be worked out, but will probably involve a catered meal at the house and a little time for everyone to be together. It's all so wonderfully easy on the family; there's nothing pressing anyone needs to do right now, and that's a blessing at a time like this. What wonderful foresight on Edythe's part, and a loving thing to do for us.

We're sad, but doing okay. We have each other, and we have the rest of the family, and that's all that really matters in the end, isn't it?  Love is stronger than death.

Edythe in late 2016, pictured here with her three greatest treasures on Earth--her beloved children.