Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Still alive

Yes, I have been a very bad blogger this month. Almost 3 weeks have gone by since my last post! oops. Life has been, well, life. :)

I am happy to report that I am feeling much, much better than the last time I blogged. The depression I was feeling has started to lift. I am getting more and more comfortable at work, and am starting to finally feel like I'm fitting in. GB has been feeling much better....I think he may have had a bug but he seems to have gotten over it, and is sleeping much better and looking healthier. He has even begun to talk about quitting smoking! This came about the other day when we were talking about improving our health. I need to lose a significant amount of weight, and he needs to give up the cigarettes. We agreed that we want to have a long healthy life together, and need to make our mutual health a priority. That made me so happy!

Also, it is almost summer. There are three baby song sparrows in the nest box outside of our kitchen window, and it has been great watching mom and dad take care of them! My herb garden is taking off, my tomato plants are planting size, and the yard is full of iris and roses. It's difficult to stay in a funk with so much beauty all around!

So yes, I'm still alive. And will try to be a better blogger in the near future!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Just can't shake it

The blues, that is.

I don't know why, but I can't shake this weird, vulnerable feeling I've had lately. It's springtime, the world is full of color and birdsong,nothing is really wrong that I can put my finger on, yet.....I feel morose. Self conscious. Lonely. It started around my birthday, when I felt sad that some members of my family ignored the day. My inlaws never even called. Several friends I had hoped to hear from made no effort. Then I started feeling bad about my age. I found my first gray hairs this past winter, and when I see facebook pictures of people I went to high school with, I'm always amazed at how...well...middle aged they are starting to look, and I'm sure I look that way to them too. It seems so silly and vain that I hate to admit that I feel bad about my age, but it's true. I fear that my life is passing me by...too quickly.

At work, I still feel like an outsider. I have been super sensitive to even the slightest criticism. (It's not even really criticism, it's just people teaching the new coworker how to do things). I find myself apologizing for every little  thing, and then feeling like they're thinking I'm pathetic. I'm quite sure I'm not being totally rational here but it's how I feel. Yesterday I found myself on the verge of tears for no good reason, just emotional. At work. Not like me at all.

I am also worried about my husband. I don't think he has been feeling well lately, and he never sleeps well. He is thin and just looks tired most of the time. I have tried for a couple of years to get him to go for a complete checkup, but he won't go to the doctor unless he's in urgent pain (like when he had a kidney stone). I don't really think anything major is wrong, but I keep worrying that something might be. I sometimes get panicky about it, especially in the middle of the night. It's always around 2 or 3am when I feel the most anxious about him and his health (and everything else for that matter). His father died relatively young of cancer. It scares me to death that he won't quit smoking, and won't go to the doctor for screenings and checkups. My current state of mind is making me worry about it more than usual. And I wish my family and friends were more present and supportive, so I could talk about it with someone. I think it would help. A good reason to have a blog, I suppose.

I plan to go outside in a bit and take Ginger for a long walk, and then maybe work on my herb garden in the sunshine. Maybe I just need some extra vitamin D and fresh air. I'm sure this funk is probably a passing phase. I am trying my best to be gentle with myself. After all, I've had a couple of major life changes in the past year and maybe it's normal to feel vulnerable and out of sorts for awhile. Hopefully a short while.

Ginger doesn't understand why people like to make life so darn complicated!

Friday, April 1, 2011

April fool...that's me!

So I have been trying for a week now to change the template on my blog and so far....I've only managed to default to some silly looking green grass. Sigh. I saw a book at work that I think I'm going to buy..."Blogging for Dummies". Perhaps one day this blog will look more interesting and will be more to my taste. I'm working on it, anyway!

I was off last weekend and spend both days nursing a pulled muscle in my neck/right shoulder. It is still painful even though I've been taking muscle relaxers and ibuprofen like they're going out of style. I was a bit upset about my weekend being spoiled, but it poured rain and got cold so I probably would have been stuck indoors anyway. It has rained for a solid week. I'm off today, and the sun is supposed to come out, but so far it has not. I normally don't mind the cloudy rainy days, but enough already!

Tonight I have been invited to go eat Thai food with my two favorite ladies from my old job. I was so happy to be invited! I have missed them a whole lot. And I just love Thai food, too. It should be a fun evening.

Happy April Fools Day!