Thursday, April 7, 2011

Just can't shake it

The blues, that is.

I don't know why, but I can't shake this weird, vulnerable feeling I've had lately. It's springtime, the world is full of color and birdsong,nothing is really wrong that I can put my finger on, yet.....I feel morose. Self conscious. Lonely. It started around my birthday, when I felt sad that some members of my family ignored the day. My inlaws never even called. Several friends I had hoped to hear from made no effort. Then I started feeling bad about my age. I found my first gray hairs this past winter, and when I see facebook pictures of people I went to high school with, I'm always amazed at how...well...middle aged they are starting to look, and I'm sure I look that way to them too. It seems so silly and vain that I hate to admit that I feel bad about my age, but it's true. I fear that my life is passing me by...too quickly.

At work, I still feel like an outsider. I have been super sensitive to even the slightest criticism. (It's not even really criticism, it's just people teaching the new coworker how to do things). I find myself apologizing for every little  thing, and then feeling like they're thinking I'm pathetic. I'm quite sure I'm not being totally rational here but it's how I feel. Yesterday I found myself on the verge of tears for no good reason, just emotional. At work. Not like me at all.

I am also worried about my husband. I don't think he has been feeling well lately, and he never sleeps well. He is thin and just looks tired most of the time. I have tried for a couple of years to get him to go for a complete checkup, but he won't go to the doctor unless he's in urgent pain (like when he had a kidney stone). I don't really think anything major is wrong, but I keep worrying that something might be. I sometimes get panicky about it, especially in the middle of the night. It's always around 2 or 3am when I feel the most anxious about him and his health (and everything else for that matter). His father died relatively young of cancer. It scares me to death that he won't quit smoking, and won't go to the doctor for screenings and checkups. My current state of mind is making me worry about it more than usual. And I wish my family and friends were more present and supportive, so I could talk about it with someone. I think it would help. A good reason to have a blog, I suppose.

I plan to go outside in a bit and take Ginger for a long walk, and then maybe work on my herb garden in the sunshine. Maybe I just need some extra vitamin D and fresh air. I'm sure this funk is probably a passing phase. I am trying my best to be gentle with myself. After all, I've had a couple of major life changes in the past year and maybe it's normal to feel vulnerable and out of sorts for awhile. Hopefully a short while.

Ginger doesn't understand why people like to make life so darn complicated!

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