Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Stormy weather

A big storm front rolled through the area late last night. I woke up to the sound of thunder, wind, and heavy rain an hour or two before sunrise. Try as I might, I never really went back to sleep after that. I finally gave up trying, got up, and put on a pot of coffee. The weather matched the mood for the first two hours of the day.

Gregg went to the pet store at 7am (it opens at 10am) to work on the aquariums for a few hours. As long as he doesn't have to have contact with the public, he's glad to get in a few hours' work. I imagine he's also happy to get out of the house for a little while, too, although he's much better at this stay-at-home and play hermit thing than I am. My husband is a true introvert. I'm much closer to the middle of the scale as far as that goes.

I did get to go to the school yesterday for a little while. I was scheduled for a 4 hour shift answering the office phone. It's a comfort to me to go to work right now, no matter that it's only about once a week for a half day. I have a secret gnawing fear that we're not going to be able to open schools back up in August, and at what point does the school receptionist become redundant in a situation like that? At the beginning of the year I signed my work agreement for the next school year, and as a state employee I probably have some protection against losing my job due to the pandemic. Still, I can't help but feel uneasy.

The worst part of this pandemic (to me) has been how uncertain the immediate future has become. Every day I'm dogged with this vague uneasiness and sense of dread that I just can't completely shake. I push it down and try not to think about it too much, but it's there, all the time. I'm still having weird stress dreams, not just at night but during the day when I take naps! That's a first for me. And for the past two days I've been feeling this weight of unexplained sadness. There's no rational reason for me to feel sad, I just do. I woke up that way again this morning.


Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Writing this post made me feel a tiny bit better. I don't have a good way to end it so I'll just sign off after saying---thank you for being here. I appreciate you all more than you know.


33 comments:

  1. I feel a shift in my emotions too. I suppose this is normal as the days wear on. Hang in there, girl. Stay safe. Enjoy what you can.

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    1. There are lots of things I've enjoyed about this time off, but I'd trade them all in a minute for life to be "normal" again.

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  2. GREAT song choice. spouse and I too want to go back to work. our lockdown ends this friday. spouse goes back to his office on 5/13. not sure about my office yet; my boss hasn't said anything yet.

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    1. Thanks Anne Marie! I woke up thinking about this song this morning while the rain poured down outside. I hate feeling like I'm not doing much of anything to earn my paycheck.

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  3. Oh girl......I love me ALOT of Lena Horne!!! Our weather here has been nice of late, still unseasonably cool. I saw some of out meteor shower last night.

    Retail, offices and any service atmosphere jobs are bound to be run much different, and it worrisome to many I'm sure, myself included. When and if we do open, it might be to shop for appointment only I'm hearing. I may be off all summer now.

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    1. I forgot all about the meteor shower but it was probably too cloudy last night to see it. It's slightly overcast today. I wonder if any meteors will be visible again tonight? Maybe we'll go outside and check.

      If only we could enjoy this time off (the summer for you) without the worries hanging over our heads, huh?

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  4. Every time I venture out in public there is a sense you are walking on egg shells. You look at strangers with concern. Are they sick? Why aren't they wearing a mask? Should I go to this place? Is it worth the risk. It sucks.

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    1. Exactly. I hate weighing the risk every time I need to run the most simple errand. This still doesn't feel like real life.

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  5. I have felt a similar sadness but I think it is perfectly understandable in the middle of a deadly pandemic. I feel sad both for those who have departed and for the loss of the life we knew before. Will we ever get it back?

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    1. I can't watch much of the news or even listen to NPR in the car because there are too many desperately sad stories right now. Either sad or scary, those are our options.

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  6. I think most of us understand the anxiety and sadness you're feeling. Thanks for sharing with us. Lena Horne was amazing. We saw her on Broadway twice. And now I'm heading out for a wander. Thanks for the Stormy Weather ear worm!

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    1. Lena Horne on Broadway! Wow!

      Sorry about the earworm. I get them all the time and even when I like the song, after a few days I'm ready to put an ice pick through my ear.

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  7. That storm you mentioned went through here yesterday. It stormed so bad and got so dark in the middle of the day that I finally went to sleep due to all the darkness and I rarely sleep during the day.

    It's good for you to talk about your feelings and I imagine most of us can understand them with all that is going on these days. I keep fighting an intermittent sadness and depression. These days stretch out and even with things starting to open up I see an increase in cases. I think it will be all up to using our common sense to get by. In the early days I don't think we believed it could last this long and now, well, I don't know what to believe anymore. I share your feelings and I'm glad there are others around that understand what we are going through. Thank you for your friendship!

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    1. Thank you for YOUR friendship! I just went and had a look at your blog and was surprised to discover I wasn't following it. That has now been corrected! And thank you for sharing your thoughts here, too. It's probably important for us all to do that occasionally.

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  8. The world is different and so are we. We cling to any word of hope as this virus affects us all in one way or another.

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    1. The world is different. And it seemed to happen so fast.

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  9. I think most normal people are a little on edge right since we've got crazies running the show. The future might indeed be a bit dismal since they believe an Idiot Jerk. Their stupidity will rue the day... just hang in there since this is less of a nightmare and more of a badly play.

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    1. Part of the dread I feel is directly related to the upcoming election. At least the current crisis has kept the Idiot Jerk out of any worse trouble, I guess.

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  10. Maybe we all hit the bottom of despair and are on the way up. I hope so.

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  11. My wife has lost her appetite and has an upset stomach. She really misses our grandkids. We need our lives back!

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    1. There are two children in my life I really wish I could see right now: my friends baby girl who's about to turn two, and a coworker's little boy who's seven. I feel like I haven't seen either of them in ages and I'm sure the almost two year old won't remember me at all by the time I see her again. :(

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  12. I have not (yet) experienced the sadness you describe, but my sister has, and I have also been having weird dreams which are clearly related tomthe current situation.
    As for a sense of dread and uneasiness, I can not entirely shake that off, either. Especially not since I heard the news this morning that restaurants, bars, cafes etc. are going to be allowed to reopen on Saturday here in Germany. Restrictions still apply (such as setting up tables at a distance etc.), but I believe it is far too soon and am afraid there will be a second wave of infections, much worse than the first.

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    1. Meike, we have things reopening here (including our beaches and other high-tourist places) all while the positive cases and death toll keep rising and rising. It makes NO SENSE to me to reopen right now! And I'm afraid (like you) that a second wave of infections is going to make this whole year a total waste. It's more than possible that continuing stringent measures NOW might help prevent that, but oh well. What do we know? Apparently our respective governments think they know better.

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  13. This is a hard time. No question about it. It's interesting that you mentioned your fears about your job -- I was on a Zoom call with my co-worker and boss today in which we discussed the same worries. At what point does the school decide it's not worthwhile to keep us all on staff for a library with reduced services or reduced student populations? We don't know what the next school year is going to look like at all. Allegedly I'm getting my new contract tomorrow, and I'll feel better once that's signed. Anyway, hang in there. We are all struggling in one way or another, coping as best we can.

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    1. Thank you, Steve. I know you understand how I feel about being a school employee at the moment. I hope you signed your new contract today without a hitch! I keep telling myself that sooner or later life will return to something like "normal" and our jobs will be necessary again.

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  14. The great thing about blogging is that you can write down how you feel and it is in a way like personal therapy. I understand your fears as I have them too. I would feel better if we had a president in the White House that felt empathy for the common person. A friend of mine sent me a text and asked she thought we'd go back to school in the fall. I told her, "I have not a clue". And I don't. We are living in uncertain times, but we'll get through this somehow.

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  15. Your blog write what you need to. I hope it helps .
    I don't watch the news only a short amount of the local. It is fire season here with lots of crazy people lighting them again.
    Uncertain times but we all need to realize that we have all lived through things like this before.
    Take care, parsnip

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