After last weekend's balmy, spring-like temperatures, things have shifted and this morning it's 19 degrees outside. There's also talk about a chance of snow on Sunday, although I'll have to see that to believe it. Still, it's gearing up to be a long weekend of cold weather and staying snug in the house. I say "long weekend" because Monday is MLK day, a federal holiday and an extra day off. It's a very welcome break, even though we just returned from the holidays a couple of weeks ago. It's so hard to drag myself out of bed on these cold, dark mornings, even after going to bed early and getting plenty of sleep.
Our school is doing a "January Weight Loss Challenge" with anyone who wants to participate putting $20 into the pot, winner take all at the end of April when we have our last weigh-in. It's going to amount to about $400 for the person who loses the biggest percentage of their body weight (which of course is fairer than just number of pounds lost).
We had our initial weigh in on Monday. I was devastated to realize I've gained back most of the weight I lost last year. I was so disgusted with myself. I knew that I'd gained some back, based on how my clothes fit, but I hadn't dared step on a scale in two months. I was hoping it wouldn't be too bad, but what a wake-up call. I've been in a funk all week since then.
Sometimes I despair of ever being in better shape. I feel middle-aged, fat, and ugly these days. Everyone always says to be kind to yourself, and work on your self-esteem, and talk about "self-care" blah blah blah, but right now I'm struggling with those things. To be honest, I don't like myself very much these days. If I could take the weight loss jabs, I would, but since I'm not even pre-diabetic my insurance won't cover them and I can't afford the out-of-pocket cost.
So here I am, beginning again, damn it. I don't expect to win the Weight Loss Challenge, but if I can take some of this weight back off, I'll consider that enough of a win. Gregg and I are planning a vacation to Kitty Hawk, NC this year for our 20th wedding anniversary and I'd really love to not look like a whale on the beach. I'd also like to look nice for my husband, who deserves a wife who takes better care of herself than I have been.
11 comments:
Jennifer, it is cold here in central Virginia this morning too. When I took the dogs out, it was 21 degrees. And yesterday it only got up to 37 and it was windy, which made it seem all the worse. I am sorry that you are having some self-esteem issues. I get it as I tend to go in cycles where I have my own self-esteem issues myself. I have been that way all of my life. If it means anything, I think Gregg is very lucky indeed to have you as his partner. I can tell from your blog posts and your comments that you have a big heart, and that matters a whole lot in my humble opinion!
I understand. I truly, truly get it. But shame tends to feed on itself. Don't do that to yourself. After working so hard, I gave myself a break over the holidays. End result? I have gained 7 pounds since Thanksgiving. No more breaks for me! I wish we lived closer! Going to the gym makes me feel better, but also, I see that I am not alone. There are a lot of us. Good luck! You have done it once. You can do it again.
Jennifer, I know. I know, I know, I know. And I also know that you should not feel shame. Since I started taking a GLP-1, I have realized how unceasing and powerful thoughts of food and of eating have been my entire life. I have gone through periods of time when I diligently dieted and exercised and did lose weight but it was always incredibly hard and involved ignoring every signal my body told me to eat. People who have never struggled with this have no idea. None.
I sincerely hope and actually believe that the price of these drugs will come down. And that insurance companies will eventually recognize the incredible health benefits they offer as they help people lose weight. Does this help you right now? No. But eventually, I think it will. Meanwhile, please try not to feel disgust with yourself. It does not help. And it is not warranted. I'm not going to even attempt to give you any dietary advice. As women we've been told how to lose weight out entire lives. Just please know that Gregg loves you as you are, I feel certain. You are so much more than your dress size. And you are beautiful.
I fully second what Ms. Moon says in the last 3 sentences of her comment!
Yes, you are SO MUCH more than your dress size, and you are one of the most beautiful women I know. Seriously!
Participating in the challenge is a good way to self-motivate. Ultimately, it's you who does the hard work, and it is also you who will benefit the most.
Finding it hard to get out of bed during those dark and cold months is only natural - all mammals (and most other species) are reluctant to consume too much energy this time of year, with quite a few of them going in hibernation. While we can not realistically do that, our bodies still signal for us what they have established in the course of evolution; it's not gone simply because we have artifical light and heat and no shortage of food like it was for most of (pre-)human history.
Good luck on this serious challenge. As I get older, I've learned that weighing myself several times a week is one of the best ways I have of controlling my weight gain, something us older people need to worry about.
I understand how hard it is when you look in the mirror and don’t feel good about yourself. I wish we could all be better at that. That being said however, I was saddened to see you write that your husband “deserves a wife who takes better care of herself.” My point is your husband deserves the wonderful, caring, smart, fun, wife he has. Period! Many people have little to no control over their physical appearance and they’re still adored. And, by the way, although you don’t want to hear it, I think you’re beautiful. And my opinion is law.
EXACTLY!
We are supposed to get snow sometime next week, so we'll see.
It'll shut down the entire town of Camden!!
You are a wonderful, loving, lovely person and Gregg loves you just the way you are and you know in your heart that is true. Lose weight to feel healthier if that is what you want but do not be mean to yourself. Give yourself the same love you give to everyone else.
Ditto what everyone has said. I know that's not how you feel, but I dispute your saying you don't take care of yourself. You do. You do good things. Your husband is lucky to have you.
I can relate to your feelings. It's true that we're our own worst enemies though. I try to get out on walks and stay active, but my 60s haven't been kind to me, weight-wise.
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