Goodbyes

Whew, what a week I've had. My feelings have been all over the place.

There is, of course, the end of my one job and the beginning of the next looming. This was the last week of school for students. Several of my favorite kids came by my office to say goodbye, and one boy, Caleb, spent most of his last day hanging out in my office, talking. (He's mildly autistic and one of his accommodations is that he's allowed to find a quiet place to work outside of his classroom when he needs it). 

All year he would occasionally stop by my office and ask to sit with me and finish up assignments. I said yes whenever I was able to (and he didn't mind the times when I wasn't) and we'd do our respective work together.  I kept gentle guitar music playing softly in the background, and it was a peaceful, quiet atmosphere for work. He'd also come to me when he was upset about something or worried about his grades. Sometimes he just needed to talk, and I'd be there to listen--we've been firm friends throughout his middle school years. How I'm going to miss him! He's headed to high school in the fall, and I'm proud of him. He's worked hard to get there, and he's a really good kid, to boot. His parents must be proud. I hope they are.

The mother of another boy sent me an email on Tuesday asking about his attendance on the last two half days and ended it by saying "thank you for being a constant in John's middle school years and for being so easy to work with". Then later in the afternoon she actually showed up and brought me a gift: this beautiful orchid!

It's going to look wonderful in the window of my new office! In fact, it will replace a yellow orchid growing there that belonged to the outgoing secretary. How perfect is that?! It was awfully sweet of her.

There were a few phone calls and visits from other parents, too, and I appreciated it all. The end of the school year is always a bit bittersweet, with kids growing up and moving on and all that, but it seems especially so for me this year since I'm leaving. Next week there's two teacher and staff workdays, Tuesday and Wednesday, and then that's it. I've finished all of my work and packed up my office, so I won't have anything to do, really. I may bring a book. Then on Tuesday afternoon, when it's time to go home, I'll turn in my office keys and building entry key fob, and that's when I'll be officially done. This month of goodbyes seems to have dragged on, and on, and on....so I'm beyond ready. 

Onwards and upwards from here (hopefully).

....or maybe not?

Well, the saga of the new job continues.

I talked over the position with my potential new boss, and some aspects of it aren't what I had expected.

*The salary is less than I make now, "but only for a couple of months!" and then "we'll give you a raise after that if everything is working out". That's not what I was told two weeks ago.

*The work week will not be a sweet 32 hours as I was told at first, but a full 40. (Not that I mind a 40 hour work week, but that means less money for more work.)

*There will be a whole lot of travel on a regular basis. I'll be reimbursed for mileage for in-state driving, but it will be a whole lot of wear and tear on my (new) car. And a few times a year I'll have to fly to other states. Which will of course be paid for, but I hate the thought of being away from home that often. Call me silly, but even a night away from my husband and dogs makes me homesick. Knowing that I'll be gone for several nights several times a year bothers me. My home life means everything to me, and even if it makes me a weirdo, I just hate the thought of being away so much.

*There will be a pre-employment drug test, and then random drug tests from time to time. I'm offended at the very thought of that. It's not as if I'll be flying a plane or driving a school bus, for Christ's sake! What a ridiculous invasion of privacy. My biggest objection is that I'd have to supply a list of medications I take, and that's no one's business. (I take antidepressants for OCD. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's not my boss's business.) Also, if I used recreational drugs (I don't, but if I did) as long as I did it on my own time and didn't show up to work impaired, again, I don't think that's anyone else's business but my own. It would be understandable if I worked in the medical field (and had access to prescription drugs) or if others' safety was at risk (again, if I was driving a bus or flying a plane) but since none of those things will be a factor, I don't think I should have to supply bodily fluids at my employer's whim.

*And the last thing: there would be a 6 month probationary period. During which they could fire me for any reason whatsoever. I know that someone else was in the position for about nine months last year, and when I asked why that person left after such a short tenure, I was told "she just wasn't a good fit". That's scary.

But. When the woman offered me the job at the end of our discussion, I said yes. I should have asked for time to think. My head was spinning and I was excited and nervous and not thinking clearly. Now I'm wondering if this is really the right job for me. I don't have to go do any paperwork until next week (the last discussion took place over the phone) and so I'm trying to decide what to do. I feel terrible about the prospect of calling them back up and saying "never mind" after jumping through so many hoops to get this job. And a former boss and two former coworkers of mine gave me wonderful references--I was told that all three took the time to really elaborate on my strengths and that they all gave me glowing recommendations--and I feel like I'd be letting them down to refuse the job (that's silly, I know).

Adding to my angst, the day that I was offered the job and said yes, I went in to work and got my ass handed to me yet again for nonsense and work politics. I regularly get blamed for things that aren't my fault or are out of my control. Somehow I've always been a bit of a scapegoat and the dressing down I got on Monday afternoon was truly unfair and undeserved. For the umpteenth time I left in tears. I'm 40 years old and I've never had a job (until now) where I leave crying on a regular basis. Part of the problem is that I'm easygoing and generally kind to everyone, and I hate conflict and confrontation. I'm too quick to accept responsibility and blame when I feel I've offended or inconvenienced someone and people take advantage of that. I know, on an intellectual level, that I'm a great employee--hardworking, dependable, friendly, and responsible--and my recent job recommendations are a testimony to that.........but my self esteem takes a hit every time I deal with another conflict at this job. And the whole time I was thinking, "I could give notice and quit right now! To hell with you assholes!" but of course I didn't. I'm not an impulsive person and especially not when it comes to something as important as my job security. Because even as miserable as I am at the bookstore, I do have a certain amount of security there after 4 years and if I truly had serious issues there is an HR department I could appeal to for help. So far I haven't said anything about the new job in case I decide not to take it after all.

So now I have a decision to make and it's not an easy one. I have anxiety issues sometimes anyway, and my anxiety level is waaaayyy off the charts right now. I haven't been eating, or sleeping, I've been tearing up at every little thing, and sometimes I almost feel a panic attack coming on. Yesterday at work my heart would start to race, I would start sweating, and then I'd get dizzy. Change is hard for me under the best of circumstances, and this set of circumstances is far from ideal.

On the bright side, my husband has been so wonderful to me. He keeps telling me how proud he is of me, no matter what I decide. That he supports me 100%, unequivocally, always. He calls and texts me at work sometimes just to say "I love you" "I'm proud of you" and "I've got your back no matter what!" Marrying him was the best decision I ever made! His love and kindness mean everything to me, and I know that with a happy home life like I have, this other stuff is just that--stuff.

So what do you think, my dear blog friends? I would love some feedback from you. I'm not talking about this with anyone in my day to day life because I want to keep things private until I reach a decision. Should I stay (and continue looking for a new job) or take the risk and try this new position that I'm so conflicted about?