I was really touched that she wanted to drive two hours just to see and spend time with me. After my dad died my relationship with my mom broke down to the point that we're now estranged, and it's been hard effectively losing both my parents. Lately I feel sad about it a lot. It's nice having one blood relative left who seems to care about me. I was looking forward to showing Aunt Linda my house and garden and letting her meet Marco, George, and Poppy, and then spending the afternoon doing fun stuff together. I requested a personal day off weeks ago for it.
Then I woke up with a scratchy throat and a tickle in my chest on Sunday morning.
So, you guessed it...I'm sick. I felt so awful yesterday afternoon that I stopped on the way home from work and got a Covid and Flu at-home test. Both were negative. I'm guessing it's just a bad cold, but it's really knocked me for a loop. I really hated and hesitated to admit I didn't feel up to the visit, but last night I finally let her know. My aunt was super kind about it. She assured me we'd reschedule soon and told me to focus on feeling better. She also said that she's flying to Virginia this weekend to visit her son and his family and it might be wise to postpone and not risk getting sick herself right before her trip. Tonight she texted me just to check on how I was feeling, which was really nice. We agreed we'll try again in a few weeks.
I'm still taking my day off tomorrow since I've been feeling so bad, and I need to use up some personal days anyway. I'm not looking forward to it except as a chance to get some extra rest. Then this weekend is Mother's Day and the thought of that makes me feel even more low. My mom made it plain to me last year that my cousin and her kids are her family now (she calls the children her grandchildren) and that she doesn't need or want me in her life. Which was honestly just a relief at first, but as time goes along it's come to feel more like grief.
24 comments:
Jennifer I am so sorry to read about your being sick and your plans with your aunt being canceled. This hurt my heart reading this. I know family dynamics are a tricky thing, I have 5 brothers and sisters who I haven't seen in years--but moms are a whole other story. I know this isn't exactly news, but I'll never get used to it. The important thing is, you have a lot of people (and animals) who like you and care about you. I sure hope you get better soon.
Jennifer, I am so sorry that you are not feeling well. It is really nice that your aunt texted you to check in, and hopefully you will reschedule your visit sooner than later. With Mother's Day coming up soon, it must be very hard emotionally for you. Take care of yourself and remember that you are surrounded by people that love you, and in a way, these people are your family.
Get well soon, dear friend! I can imagine how disappointing having to postpone your aunt‘s visit must feel, but it was the right thing to do both for your and her sake, and of course you‘ll have that fun day together soon.
When you were telling us about the estrangement with your mother, I was sad for you but it also made sense to finally draw a line there. That the initial feeling of relief is gradually giving way to grief is not all that surprising, I think; maybe it helps to remind yourself of the emotional pain she has caused you and that you tried your best to maintain the relationship until it really was clear that it would never become any better.
I'm so sorry you are ill and had to cancel the visit. It sounds like you were looking forward to it so much. I agree it is better safe than sorry and it is so wonderful that your aunt is understanding and willing to reschedule. Darn virus!
I am more sorry about the situation with your mother. It sounds so difficult. And even if you know that it is probably for the best, it doesn't make it hurt any less.
Yes, that is very disappointing but I hope you will be able to host your Aunt in the summer and have a fabulous time!
I'm so sorry about the unfortunate illness timing. No matter how logical our brains are about toxic relationships, our hearts feel differently. As others have said, try to focus on those who love you and want to be in your life. Easier said than done, I know. Hoping for better health!
I'm sorry you had to cancel your aunt's visit, but it was the wise (and compassionate) thing to do. As she said, you will reschedule soon, I'm sure. Meanwhile, heal thyself!
Such a shame. But good you had a heads up before she arrived. Hope you feel better quickly. (You didn’t catch it from me.)
So sorry you're sick. And I hear you about relatives who don't want you in their lives. I went through that with sibs, all now gone. It's a sorrow. I hope you're well soon and up to a visit with someone who definitely wants you in her life.
Thank you for the kind words. I have no brothers or sisters, so I can't really say much about the relationships between siblings, but you're right in how family dynamics can be tricky. Especially when there's mental illness and/or addictions in the mix.
Your last sentence is so true. I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have so many people who care about me and friends who are like family. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling bad about my mom, because I know that I have so much love and so many good things in my life. I feel like it's greedy to wish for more, you know?
Thank you my friend. I've come to the conclusion that my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder (BPD) as well as an alcohol problem and I'm better off without her in my life. Recently she sent me a birthday card, and it upset me so much and I felt so guilty not acknowledging it or thanking her, but if I let her in again I'll suffer for it. She's not trying to make any changes or take any accountability and I just can't deal with the stress she brings to my life.
My mother is mentally ill and not looking to change or get any help for it, and I'm having to learn to accept that. She can be incredibly mean and vindicative when she's in a rage, and when she was younger was capable of physical violence. My nervous system just couldn't tolerate her presence in my life anymore--it was making me physically ill.
We have a surprising number of things in common and you're right, we will have fun when we finally get together!
Thank you for the kind words! You're right about brains and logic vs hearts and feelings.
Taking today off work anyway was the right decision. I needed the rest and I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better. Far from well, still, but better.
Yes, I had plenty of time to realize I was getting sick and that's a good thing. I'd feel terrible if I got her sick, and especially if it made her miss her trip to see her oldest son and his family.
It is a sorrow. And a kind of secret shame, because what kind of person isn't loved by their own mother? I know the problem is with her, not me, but knowing that doesn't change how it feels inside me.
Your Aunt Linda sounds like a nice person, and maybe you should concentrate on her in the future. It's a shame she doesn't live nearer.
That's a shame, reunion visits are such fun.
She's only about two hours away. Not too far.
Hopefully we'll reschedule soon.
Get well soon. You will have a visit with your aunt to look forward to - hopefully soon.
What rotten luck! Jennifer- this is all really, really hard and complex stuff. You have every right to have all the emotions about your mother from anger to grief. I'm 71 and haven't figured it all out yet. Not even close.
I surely hope you feel better soon.
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