Discouraged

I'm beginning to feel like I'm never going to find a new job. I'm so discouraged.

On my birthday last month I found a job opening online that would have been ideal for me. A job that I'm uniquely qualified for, a job with good pay and benefits, and most importantly, a job I think I would love. Seeing the opening on my birthday felt like a sign. I was convinced this was it.

So I went back over my resume, making sure everything that made me the perfect person for the position was mentioned. I wrote a very nice cover letter to go with it. I even wrote an email to the person who would be in charge of the hiring process, introducing myself and asking for an interview. After submitting everything I called around to some of my contacts (I have a lot of great contacts in this community) and discovered that a woman in my book club volunteers at this place. I reached out to her and told her about the position I was applying for so she could put in a good word for me. In short, I did everything I could think of to try to get a foot in the door. Then I waited.

And waited.

And........nothing. Not an email, not a call, nothing.

Which is just par for the course. I've applied for three jobs with the state (at DHEC and DHHS) over the last couple of months and haven't heard anything back from them, either. Then there was the job as a secretary at one of the high schools I applied for and got really hopeful about....because they checked my references...but then I didn't hear anything else until I found out through a friend that they had filled the position. I never even got an interview. Why they bothered to contact my references is a mystery to me. Every day, I check the online job postings, and there's rarely anything worth applying for. On the rare occasion that something seems promising, I do whatever I can think of to get noticed, but it's just not happening.

I'm so unhappy at my current job (anyone who's been reading here for any length of time knows that already, and I apologize for sounding like a broken record) and I've been searching for something better for so long, that I'm getting depressed about it all. Everything is great when I'm off work, but whenever I'm about to go in (like tonight) the dread settles over me like a dark cloud. 

The only thing I need to make my life completely happy is a new and better job. Everything else is great, and I'm grateful for all the good stuff in my life, but I'm so ready to have this job search behind me.

Work stuff

This month started on a sour note. I almost quit my job last week.

Quit as in, throw my keys down on the manager's desk and walk out in the middle of a shift without a new job to go to. Which is completely out of character for me, but there's a limit to the emotional abuse one person can or should take at a job.

I won't go into details, but the assistant manager (one step above me on the chain of authority) is the most narcissistic, awful bully I've ever had the misfortune to know. I'm not exaggerating when I say he's probably leaning towards being a sociopath. The general manager, the one person in the store with authority over him, is a weak, easily influenced woman who avoids confrontation and ends up getting railroaded by this guy, too. A group of us, myself and the other merchandise manager, the community relations manager, and a handful of other people have started taking actual written notes of incidents when he mistreats us so we'll have documentation if we eventually end up going to HR. That's how bad things have gotten.

But back to last week. I experienced some really awful treatment and suddenly I was at the end of my rope. Just......done. I called my husband in tears and told him I was about to leave, that I had had enough of this shit and didn't plan to take it for another minute. He talked me down by saying that I shouldn't make such a huge decision when I was so emotional, and advised coming home and sleeping on it for a night before deciding. It was sensible advice and saved me from making a mistake, but a tiny part of me regrets not walking out in a blaze of righteous fury, never to return to that hateful, toxic environment ever again! But I'd have regretted being without an income and health insurance even more. Not to mention it's just not the right thing to do.

I did go confront the store manager that next time I saw her, and informed her that half the staff are documenting the ASM's abusive behavior. If it's not addressed, we'll have to go to HR. I told her how close I was to walking out the other night, and she stared at her feet and said, in a small voice, "Please don't do that." Since then, the jerk's behavior to me has been cold and aloof, which is just fine with me. He's leaving me strictly alone and that's a huge relief. And since I have the support of over half the staff who get treated the same way (the other half are too new to have experienced his abuse.....it should be no surprise that we have huge employee turnover) I don't feel completely powerless. Still, I dread going to work every single day and so do several other people there. It's such a shame, too, because we all agree that as retail jobs go ours can be pretty fun at times and most of us like each other.

Oh well, as Gregg keeps reminding me, if I keep up the serious job search, sooner or later the right position will come along and I'll get it. Then I can close the door on this chapter of my life and move on. What a happy day that will be!

Speaking of the job hunt, I'm about to begin a volunteer position with a non profit organization that I'm super excited about! It's called Reach Out and Read Carolinas. On Wednesday I'll be attending my first meeting of the Community Advisory Board for ROAR at McLeod Hospital here in Florence. McLeod pediatricians work with them to promote early literacy (reading with babies and toddlers) for improved cognitive development of their patients. Not only do I have a lot of affection for this organization and will be proud to do volunteer work with them, but I'm hoping to make my resume a bit more attractive and to demonstrate that I'm more well-rounded than my many years of retail management would suggest. I have a degree in Human Services, after all, but haven't had much opportunity to use it. And who knows where a volunteer position doing something I love might lead?

Somewhere good, I hope.

No complaining

I'm trying something for the rest of the month of August that's pretty radical, for me. I'm trying to not complain. At all. About anything, but especially my job. It's only been a few days, but it's been tough already. I've had to catch myself and shut up at least a dozen times.

See, my job is stressful. Pretty much everyone there agrees that it's not a great working environment, and most of the people I actually liked  have moved on to better jobs. And with each disappointment I've faced in my quest for a new job of my own, my bitterness has increased. Almost as soon as I get out of my car each day, I start mentally going over all the things I hate about being there. I usually don't say much out loud to my coworkers, but in my head it's a constant stream of negativity and whining. It finally dawned on me the other day that my attitude is only increasing my stress and making a difficult job even worse. And according to a ton of self-help and New Age kind of books and articles, I might even be drawing more negativity to myself as a result.

So I'm doing my best to stop. To be in the moment, and to take deep breaths and keep my mind clear and neutral. Sometimes I try to reframe a situation in a more positive light. Right now it feels hokey and I think, "Who am I fooling?" but I persist. And when coworkers are engaged in bitch-fests, instead of listening to it I just walk away.

So that's my self improvement project at the moment. Has anyone else tried something similar to deal with a stressful situation? And if so, how did it work for you? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

All I can do is my best

My job interview yesterday started off great, and then ended poorly. The experience was a first for me and I hope to not have any more like it.

The first 45 minutes went wonderfully. The two women who will be sharing the administrative assistant that they're looking to hire were giving the interview together. They were both warm, friendly, and approachable and so I felt almost instantly at ease. I thanked them both for delaying the interview by a day for me. I then answered all of their questions easily and it felt more like a relaxed, normal conversation than a formal interview (although I was careful to stay on topic and professional). It seemed easy.

Then, just when I thought we were wrapping up (and silently congratulating myself on how well it had went!) they told me the interview had a second part. They took me to a little cubicle in the back maze of offices and sat me down at a computer. They handed me an envelope with 3 tasks in Excel that they wanted me to try to figure out how to do. Then they said to print out my results, put them in the envelope, and drop them off before I left. Gulp.

I've used Excel quite a bit at my current job and my last one, but I'm far from being an expert at it. Clearly.

The first task wasn't too bad. I managed to figure that one out pretty fast, but the second one stumped me. It was basically asking me to filter and sort the information on a large list of fictional students, and then do a mail merge with a form letter to be sent to each student's home address. I tried for 45 minutes and it was no good, I couldn't quite make it happen. It was 2:30 by then, which was the time I'd told my boss I'd be at work, and I still had a 30 minute drive to get to work. I had to go. So I only got one task of the three done.

I won't be getting that job.

You guys, I've been feeling terribly low over this whole situation. I was disappointed, and what's worse, kind of embarrassed. I feel like I let myself down.

Two friends (one a professor from the local university and the other has a Master's degree in Computer Science) told me that it was a really difficult task to ask someone without any special training to do, so that made me feel a tiny bit better. I asked the advice of the one who's a computer whiz as to how I can best go about learning to really use Excel, whether I should take a class or buy books or what. She suggested free YouTube tutorials. I plan to get on that starting next week, once I finish feeling bad and taking a few days off to relax.

I don't want to have this happen again, as I've put several resumes out there for Administrative Assistant positions. Wednesday's experience left me with the feeling of being caught with my pants down. I didn't like it at all.

This is how you know..

Yesterday at work I got a text from the receptionist at my dentist's office confirming an appointment for today that I had completely forgotten about. I was supposed to work today, but after thinking about it I decided that even dental work is more fun than my job.

So I'm taking a personal day to go to the dentist.

My mom laughed at me on the phone when I told her that I chose an extra day off this week rather than reschedule the appointment. I reminded her of what I said to the surgeon who took out my gallbladder a while back (resulting in three weeks off with pay): "Isn't there something else you can take? I'm not using my appendix!" She really laughed then!

Yes, it's sad. And kind of pathetic, too. You know you hate your job when even the torture chamber dentist's chair is a better place to be!

Eight days straight......

Hello blog friends! Sorry for my week long absence from the Sparrow Tree. I had to work eight days in a row and my job has been extra heinous lately. In fact, I've started calling my workplace The Snake Pit. This is because after a terrible few days last week when I was subjected to the hateful gossip and nasty, unfair criticism of a couple of my coworkers, I had a nightmare one night that I was at work and there were two snakes outside (long, thick snakes...shudders...) and my work mates were trying to force me to go outside and get rid of them. It was horrifying. The symbolism couldn't be any more plainly obvious. For a few days there, I felt like I was indeed walking into a nest of vipers every time I arrived at work, hence the new name.

I'm finally off today (and tomorrow! joy!) and besides a trip to the eye doctor this afternoon I don't have any big plans. I need to do several things around the house, like mopping the floors and cleaning pet areas and sending Mother's Day cards to my mom, grandma, and mother-in-law, but all of those things suit me fine....it's just a joy to be at home taking care of personal life stuff.

Except for my job, my life is great. My marriage is happy. I have sweet, smart companion animals that bring me small moments of joy every day. I have a lot of friends, and they're all so varied and interesting that I never lack for good company if I want it. Then there's all of you: my blogging friends that make my life so much more rich than it could possibly be otherwise! It's such a pleasure learning about ordinary lives in places all over the world. I don't know much about politics in other countries so I can't really comment on political posts, but they make interesting reading. I like hearing stories and seeing pictures of your everyday life best. Now that I have some time off, I'll be able to catch up with you all and maybe even write a blog post or two.

I hope you all are having a good week and a good beginning of May!

Sunset at The Snake Pit

Appreciation (and the lack thereof)

The other day at work, a typical scenario played itself out, again.

We were short staffed, which isn't all that unusual, but it's especially bad right now because one of the other managers got fired on Tuesday. There was only one manager on duty at a time all day, no customer service person, one person running the music department, one person working in the café (which was a real pain in the ass since the weather is freezing and people are coming in droves to buy espresso drinks, coffee, and tea), nobody working the children's department, etc etc. I was the manager on duty that morning. It's tax return season, when all the weirdos from the surrounding countryside that only have spare cash to spend once a year come crawling out from under their rocks and go shopping, so it was busy. The phones rang off the hook. Strange old women showed up wanting to buy tablets and had to have help setting them up and learning to use them. A bus full of school kids rolled through on a field trip. It was chaos all day long.

And I kept my cool. I was patient with the customers, even the demanding and rude ones. I was helpful. I juggled phone calls and people waiting in line at the info desk and in between gave mini "how to" workshops for the people buying tablets that hadn't a clue how tablets (or sometimes even the internet) work. I was polite, and patient, and helpful. And besides giving excellent customer service on a day when it was extra difficult to do so, I got several projects done around the store that were due that day so I wouldn't have to hand them off to anyone else.

I was feeling pretty good about the day's work I had done.

Then the assistant manager came in to work the second half of the day. And as usual when things are a tiny bit more hectic or stressful than usual, he was a total jerk. He was rude, sarcastic, and had nothing good to say about anything. The next day he hauled me over the coals for forgetting to put a bit of data into a spreadsheet the day before (something that isn't important and takes all of 5 minutes to do). He's beyond petty and a big bully, to boot.

 There wasn't (and never is) a word of appreciation or praise at this job. Ever. And although the store manager isn't a rude asshole like her assistant, she's equally self involved and never bothers to thank or praise anyone for anything. It's caused more than one great employee to leave, and is part of the reason I'm looking so hard for a new job. **  It's demoralizing to work really hard and to never get any credit for it. I realized the other day that trying to do a good job is something I do for me, not for them. I told myself I could be proud of doing my best whether or not they ever acknowledge it. But it's hard sometimes. A little bit of appreciation would go a long, long way.


**I just applied for three positions this morning that all look like good opportunities for me. Please send me all the good vibes you can that I'll at least score an interview! Fingers and toes are crossed!

Thursday stuff.

Today was a really weird day at work. I'm tired and stressed out. So this is what's going on in my den as of 5:30 pm...

A Whiskey Sour, made with mid-priced Kentucky bourbon that a friendly one-armed man at the liquor store helped me pick out. (He's apparently quite the conisseour of whiskey). Whiskey Sours are definitely on my top ten list of favorite cocktails to unwind with.

I'm assuming I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week. They made it clear they were in a hurry to make a decision. Whatever. (sigh.) I was hoping this was it--my current job environment is extremely dysfunctional. So dysfunctional that a long time employee (and personal friend of mine) walked in last night with a resignation letter, and with no notice whatsoever (or even another job to go to!!) she quit on the spot! I don't blame her at all; in fact, I envy her. She's just the latest in a whole long line of people that have jumped ship recently. I'm ready for my turn! Our workplace morale is the lowest I've ever seen at a job.

Thankgiving is next week. I'm not sure yet what we'll be doing. We thought about taking advantage of the day off work together to go see Gregg's mom, but I'm afraid she'll feel obligated to try to cook a meal if we do, and she's not in good enough health for that. Also, there's the chance that she and her husband are planning to spend the day with other extended family members.We may just end up staying at home together, which is our standard Thanksgiving. It's nice. We stay in pajamas until late in the morning, and I start cooking early. I usually roast a small turkey, because Gregg likes turkey sandwiches made from leftovers, and I make a few side dishes and desserts to go with it. We usually walk the dogs over to the park and in the wooded lot behind the church. And of course, Ginger and George eat really well that day, too. I won't mind if we end up staying at home alone.

Speaking of food, I've recently gotten addicted to The Great British Bake Off! It's so much fun to watch, but I find myself wanting to bake stuff but being thwarted by my limited free time, and, if I'm honest, my messy and disorganized kitchen. Still, I love to daydream about making elaborate pastries and pies and I have a fondness for cooking shows. And the GBBO is so much fun! I especially love Mary Berry, and might order myself a couple of her cookbooks at Christmastime.

That's it, my life on a rainy, gray, dull November Thursday evening. Cooking shows and big glasses of whiskey! Haha.

Sunday wrap up

It's a beautiful spring day here. The dogwoods and azaleas are in bloom, the birds are singing (and flocking to our feeders), the bees are out, the sun is shining, and it's warm. A nice day to be off work, and to have a little "me" time.

Last week was rough. In addition to the depression my husband and I were both experiencing, I had several bad days at work that made everything seem that much worse. It's no secret I hate my job. It's a retail store at the local mall, staffed by adults who act like they're in high school, and there is always some silly drama unfolding...blah blah blah. Same old story. Despite my best efforts to just show up, act in a professional manner, do my daily tasks, and go home, I still occasionally get dragged in to the middle of angry confrontations between my coworkers. Our store manager is a nice lady, but a terrible leader, and so there is no one around to effectively deal with the immature, counterproductive behavior. I hate the atmosphere this creates. I'm a peaceful soul; I abhor confrontation and arguments, and I refuse to play "office" politics. I'm kind and helpful to my coworkers, even when they drive me crazy. I work hard. I'm dependable and stable and never make trouble for anyone. And most importantly, I actively try to avoid any storms I see brewing. So how do I still get sucked into these stressful situations? Especially at times (like this week) when I'm least emotionally up to it? I left work in tears on Monday for the first time in months. I've gotten much better at letting this kind of nonsense roll off my back, but the timing was especially bad this week.

Topping off my week of woe was a dental appointment on Tuesday that resulted in a toothache that didn't really get going until Friday afternoon (after the office was closed for the weekend). I got two fillings in back molars on the left side, one on top and one on bottom, and the bottom one isn't....right somehow. It's uncomfortable to chew on and I have a constant, deep ache in my jaw. I've been taking Motrin every six hours and waiting for tomorrow morning to get here so the dentist can do something about it.  Why do toothaches (or any medical problem) get worse on the weekends? It never fails: if offices are closed and the only medical attention available is urgent care or the ER (with the prospect of  hours and hours of waiting) that's when a toothache or pain of any kind will really get down to business.

To sum it all up, this week was: depression, work stress, tears, and toothaches.

So I'm finally off today and it's gorgeous out, and I'm making the best of it, toothache be damned.  I'm going to take the book I'm reading (Ian McEwan's Atonement) and sit out in the warm sunshine, in the hammock, with a glass of sweet iced tea. I'm hoping that such a nice day is a sign of a better week to come.

The bees are working hard on this beautiful April day. I wonder
if they sometimes want to strangle their coworker bees...