A decade of blogging

 As astounding as it seems, exactly 10 years ago today I started this blog. I just can't believe it's been that long. Looking back at the first month or two of my posts, I'm amazed at how many things have happened and changed in that amount of time. When I began this blog, I had just moved back to Florence after 3 years of living 20 miles out in the country. I was still working as the store manager at Pier 1 Imports of Florence, but unbeknownst to me our little store was about to go out of business later that year. Now Pier 1 Imports as a company is out of business altogether. I loved that job and it was a sad day when our store closed down. When I started this blog, Gregg had not been diagnosed with cancer yet, and now he's an 8 year cancer survivor. I've changed jobs twice since then, made lots of friends, and finally bought a home of our own (which meant another move). Life has had its ups and downs. Ginger was still a young, high energy pup when I started writing here, Marco was still a baby, and George wouldn't come along for another 3 years. We had a little House Sparrow named Chip who lived with us, too. My mother in law was still alive and her mind was still sharp (I miss her so much), and our favorite niece and nephew were young teenagers. That same niece just got married last year, and last month she and her husband moved all the way across the country to Oregon where she'll be starting law school later this month. How life moves along! If I manage to keep blogging for another 10 years who knows what my life will look like then. I hope most of the changes that are sure to happen are mostly happy ones, and that I can meet the challenges and bad times with courage and heart.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading. Writing this blog has enriched my life more than I could ever have anticipated back in 2010. I treasure each and every one of you.

This double rainbow appeared in the sky beyond our house two days ago after an afternoon rain shower.

Two weeks left

I realized yesterday that I only have two full weeks left before I go back to work. Teachers and 190 day staff (that's me) go back on August 24th and the students return two weeks later, the day after Labor Day. It seems hard to believe that I'm so close to going back to a normal work schedule after being at home since mid-March. I've been so sidetracked with Ginger the last couple of weeks that all of a sudden it seems like I have a ton of things left to do to prepare and very little time left to get them done. I need to do a major closet overhaul, for instance. I know beyond a doubt that I need some new work clothes, and since I've avoided all non-essential shopping for months now even some basic items (like underwear) are wearing out and looking ratty. I'm going to have to brave the shops over the next two weeks to buy new clothes. I could really use a haircut, too. 

With the way Covid-19 is still spreading in our community, no one knows how long we'll actually be able to keep the schools open. I suspect another lockdown may be in our future. Our positive percentage rate in South Carolina is hovering around 20%, which is super high. At the beginning of all this they said that in order to reopen schools and businesses safely we needed to be down to 5%. So we're not even close to that. Still, my particular district has a very detailed, well-thought out plan to reopen schools as safely as possible. Our Superintendent has done a great job and I feel about as safe going back as I'm going to feel given the circumstances. There's a lot of fear and anxiety among teachers, staff, parents, and the community though. What a mess this whole thing has been. 

I'm dreading the thought of leaving Ginger, too. Gregg has always been her favorite person, but something has changed now that her health is failing. All of a sudden, as he said yesterday, "She's turned into a mama's girl." She's been sticking to me like glue, even following me around the house day and night. She sleeps on the rug beside my side of the bed. She tries to be near me all the time. I'm sure she'll be fine when I go back to work, and she sleeps a lot during the day anyway, but it still gives me a pang to think of leaving her for 8 hours at a time. I've also turned into the lightest sleeper ever now that she's been sick. If she starts to breathe hard during the night I instantly wake up and check on her. I'm not sure how to fix that, but I do know I need to be able to get a good night's sleep once I'm working again. I guess it's another thing I'll have to take as it comes. I hope Ginger continues to do as well as she has been so far. Here's a picture of her standing in front of George last night to beg for tidbits off my plate:

And here's another of her sneaking around in the bushes in front of our house. She loves going back in there to sniff around:

Doesn't she look happy? I didn't believe, at the beginning of this week, that I would ever see her like this again. I didn't even think she'd still be here at this point. I'm so grateful that we're getting some more good days with her, however few they may end up being. 

Well, I guess I'd better get off the computer and start making a list of all the things I need to accomplish in the next two weeks. I think returning to work full time is going to be good for my mental health, so except for leaving the animals, I'm really looking forward to it.

A thank you and an update

First of all, thank you to everyone who left kind, supportive comments on my last two posts. I've been too emotional to answer each one individually, I know I'll start crying if I attempt to! But please know that I've read each and every one multiple times and they've meant so much to me. The friendship and kindness of my blog friends has been a real comfort during these last few terrible days.

Ginger has been doing amazingly well since we got home from the vet on Monday. I can't believe how tough she is! She's been eating really well, going out to relieve herself, and even showing interest in short walks to sniff around the neighborhood. She even felt well enough last night to snatch a treat away from George and then to grin at us afterwards! Except for the fact that she's still slightly swollen in the middle, is moving very slowly, and sleeps a lot, she seems like her regular self. In two days she's figured out that we'll give her anything she wants to eat right now and she's turned into a stone-cold beggar at mealtime! She never did that before in her life, but things have changed and she's taking advantage of it while she can. I'm so proud of her! She's a tough girl!

I called the vet this morning and told him how well she's doing. I also asked him if there would be any harm in treating her for heart failure, which is the one treatable possible diagnosis we're dealing with here. (It's either heart failure or cancer, and more likely a heart problem since she had over a liter of fluid drained from around her heart and abdomen on Sunday). He said there would be no harm whatsoever in putting her on heart medication and seeing how things go. She was so ill when we took her up there on Monday that the option to try a treatment didn't occur to any of us. It was only after we brought her home and saw how hard she's fighting to rally and go on with life that we came up with the idea. Dr. Causey said he thought it was a great idea, and that even if it doesn't help, it won't hurt. He says we may even get lucky. Make no mistake, we love Ginger far too much to let her suffer. Once she's in pain, or can't enjoy anything anymore, we won't keep her alive just for the sake of keeping her alive. Her quality of life is the most important thing. As long as she's enjoying her food, her brief walks, and her family time with us, we'll care for her to the best of our ability. If nothing else, maybe the new medicines will improve the quality of what days she has left, even if there aren't very many of them.

I spent two days crying pretty much nonstop and just feeling.....despair. I feel better now. Having a path forward and a plan helps some. Getting a couple of decent nights' sleep definitely took the raw edge off my emotions (the vet told me on Monday "you look exhausted" and he was right) and I feel a little stronger and better able to cope with the situation. Poor George has been confused and anxious and woebegone, and Marco has been screaming for attention which is nerve-shattering. I realized I'm not doing any of us any good (least of all Ginger) by going around weeping and acting like the end of the world is here. Now is the time (I tell myself) to buck up and try to make the days as normal and pleasant as possible. If my good dog can be so brave and strong, then so can I.

Ginger yesterday after going outside to pee. She knew she was about to get a treat when she got back inside. :)

Our girl

We took Ginger to see her regular vet this morning. Things are about as bad as they could possibly be.

We've brought her home to give her a couple of good days. Lots of love, lots of attention, and any food she might like to eat. Later this week we're probably going to have to let her go. 

Our hearts are broken. 

Now all we can do is be strong for her, give her all the love and attention possible in the next few days, and then do the right thing for her. She needs us and we won't let her down.

Aging dogs (updated in the comments)

Last night was another bad night with my beloved dog, Ginger. Something is going on with her and a trip to the vet may soon be in order. I'm afraid that most of the problems she's developing are all age related.

Having to admit she's getting old is so hard for me. I'm crying just typing this. I don't know how to convey how much our girl means to us and seeing what may be the first real signs of a decline in her is so very upsetting. She's thirteen years old now, and while the huge battery of tests she had done last September when she had Vestibular Disease indicated she was extremely healthy for a dog her age, recently she's had some odd behaviors that have me worried. 

To begin with, she's been acting a little more "scattered" in general. She's not hearing all that well anymore, and sometimes she acts a little distracted. More worrying, she's taken to pacing around at night and seems to have a hard time settling down to sleep. It's especially bad if we haven't taken her for a walk, but a couple of times lately she's refused to go out (which is in itself highly unusual). The heat is terrible right now, even at night, so I don't blame her if that's the reason. When we do manage a walk, she's not willing to go very far and she's been very slow, which also might be the heat, but she seems to settle down and rest better on the nights when she's had some exercise. Last night was horrible. She wouldn't go out to walk (which was fine, the heat index was so high even at 10pm that it probably wasn't a great idea) but she kept pacing and whining softly at the side of the bed and I kept getting up to see if she needed to go out and pee. She went outside briefly two of the 10 times she woke me up, but the other times she just walked around, got some water, and went back to the bedroom. Occasionally I wake up to her panting a little in the middle of the night, which makes me worry that she's in some kind of pain.

I called the vet this morning and asked if I could make an appointment for her next week. I also asked if I could give her something for pain in the meantime, to see if that's the problem. The vet told me to come by the office and pick up some anti-inflammatory medicine to try, and if that solves the problem (he thinks it might) I can cancel the appointment we made for next Thursday. I'm anxious to see if this helps! She's been slower about standing up and going up and down steps lately, so hopefully she's just got a touch of arthritis, which is relatively easy to treat. Easier than canine dementia setting in, which is my worst fear. 

I wish I could be at peace with her aging. I'm not sure if it's the timing, what with the pandemic and other stressors in my life right now, but I'm having a terrible time dealing with this. I've been crying all day today. I was even shedding tears as I picked up the medicine at the vet's. Nothing is so wrong with Ginger at this point that I need to be this emotional about it but I can't seem to stop. Maybe I need to join Ginger and George and take a nap. I certainly didn't get much rest last night. Hopefully Ginger's first pill (which she got just over an hour ago) will start to make a difference and she'll be back to her normal self soon. I'll let you know. Meanwhile, I'm off to try to distract my weepy self with some mindless tv, a healthy lunch, and hopefully (if Marco will be quiet for an hour or so) a good nap. Wish me luck.

Can you cook?

This was a fun "copy and paste and insert your own answers" thing I saw on Facebook this morning. I thought it might make for a good post to see how many of my blog friends like to cook. Share in the comments which numbers you answer "yes" to! (Obviously some of these questions are geared towards people who live in the Southern US. Sorry about that.)

I don't think people cook as much anymore because everything is boxed/premade and frozen etc. Copy/paste as your status and share if you want to see who can cook!

HAVE YOU EVER?

1. Made biscuits from scratch? Yes (doesn't mean they were good though).

2. Fried fresh okra? Yes

3.Made sourdough bread? No

4. Fried chicken? Yes

5. Made spaghetti sauce from scratch? Yes

6. Made any kind of yeast bread? Does the bread machine count?

7. Baked a cake from scratch? Yes

8. Made icing from scratch? Yes

9. Cooked a pot roast with all the veggies? Yes

10. Made chili from scratch? Yes

11. Made a meatloaf? Yes

12. Made scalloped potatoes? No

13. Made mac/cheese from scratch? Yes

14. Made a jello salad? Yes, and I love Watergate Salad when the holidays roll around!

15. Made peanut brittle? No

16. Made fudge? No

17. Made cookies from scratch? Yes

18. Cooked a pot of beans from dried beans? Yes

19. Cooked a pot of greens? Yes

20. Made cornbread from scratch? Yes

21. Make a pie dough from scratch? No, but plan to try soon.

22. Cooked a whole turkey? Yes

23. Snapped green beans and cooked them? Yes (I thought of Ms. Moon with this one!)

24. Made mashed potatoes from scratch? Yes

25. What’s the most people you have (alone) prepared a whole meal for? ?? Umm...6 maybe?

26. Poached an egg? No

27. Made pancakes from scratch? Yes

28. Roasted vegetables in the oven instead of boiling them? Yes

29. Made fresh pasta? No

30. Made croissants from scratch? No

31. Made tuna salad? Yes

32. Fried fish? No, but only because I don't like it.

33. Made baked beans? No, always open a can. :)

34. Made ice cream from scratch? No

35. Made jam or jelly? Yes

36. Zested an orange or lemon? Yes, regularly.

37. Made grits from scratch? Yes

38. Made an omelet? Yes

39. Lived in a house without a dishwasher? Yes, but not for a long time!

40. Eaten a bowl of cereal for supper? Yes

Summer 2020

Marla and Martina came over for a masked visit Monday night. Masked, because it's far too hot to even think of sitting outside on the porch to maintain distance. Have you heard of "maskne"? Getting acne on your face underneath where a mask goes? That's happening to me. Even sitting inside in the air conditioned house, I'll sweat under a mask and yesterday morning I woke up with a painful zit on my chin. A small price to pay to get to safely socialize for a couple of hours.

It was great to see them both, but I couldn't entirely shake the despondency that I've been feeling for the last while. At times like these I'm glad that I'm taking a low maintenance dose of an antidepressant. I can feel the darkness of anxiety and depression lurking around the edges of my consciousness. A whole variety of stressors are contributing to it, I think, many of which everyone reading is likely experiencing to some degree these days. 

I made a couple of pizzas (which didn't turn out well at all....the pepperoni tasted funny and I burned the crusts a little bit) and also some cupcakes from a box mix that had been sitting in the back of the pantry since the lockdown began in March. Martina had just had a birthday, hence the cupcakes. Marla brought over a case of hard ciders to share.  It's weird sitting with friends and everyone wearing a mask. I sometimes wonder if life will ever get back to normal. 

Oh, and Marla's parents and grandma sent us a huge bag of homegrown tomatoes from their garden! I made BLTs with some of them last night, and they're the most delicious tomatoes we've had this year.

I've done some reading lately, but most of it's been re-reading favorites. The exception was a $1.99 e-book I downloaded of Shirley Jackson short stories. I really liked The Haunting of Hill House and We Have Always Lived in the Castle, and all the stories have the same kind of creepy/unsettling vibe. Fun summer reading.

We've also been watching the HBO documentary I'll Be Gone in the Dark, about the crime blogger and writer Michelle McNamara's search for the Golden State Killer. The GSK was a notorious serial killer and rapist who terrorized parts of California in the '70s and early '80s and the case had long gone cold. Thanks to the attention her work reignited, they actually caught the guy a couple of years ago. The FBI was able to track him down by searching ancestry databanks from companies like 23 and Me for distant relatives of his who shared some of his DNA. After all these decades, the monster is finally in prison where he belongs, and the story of the search for him has been fascinating. The documentary is also about McNamara, who unfortunately passed away suddenly the year before and didn't get to see the killer get caught. That's a shame. I'm not normally a person who enjoys true crime type shows or podcasts, but I've been enjoying this one and can highly recommend it.

Besides reading and watching tv, I haven't been doing anything much worth mentioning. The heat and humidity have been terrible. Going outside just isn't fun. I'm tired of being so homebound. Except for the grocery store, I rarely go anywhere unless I have to make a trip to the drugstore or to put gas in the car. When I run one of these errands I usually drive around town a little while I'm out, just to get a break from being at home. When I think of how badly I've needed and wanted time off in the past when I was working a lot and life was normal, I feel guilty about not enjoying all this free time. Still, it's just been too much. If I could do more normal things like visit friends, go to book club (it looks like we won't be resuming that at all this year), go to the library or the thrift stores to browse, then things would be different. In this city and this state, coronavirus is running rampant and doing any of those things would be risky. It's bad enough worrying about going back to school in another month. Just yesterday our local news reported that a neighboring school district (Darlington) had 6 cafeteria workers test positive for the virus. They were working at the schools' summer feeding programs for the community. Now all the school cafeterias are closed down for disinfecting and the workers are in quarantine. And that's just when they're making summer lunches for some of the kids! Who knows how bad things will get once we reopen. As much as I want to go back to work, I'm dreading what the fallout may be. Gregg wears a mask all day long at the pet store or when he's servicing aquariums, sometimes for up to 10 hours a day, and still he's worried because our numbers are so bad and so many people continue to refuse to honor the mask requirement. He's wishing now he had gone to work at first when the virus numbers were still low, and could take some time off now that things are so much riskier. If things continue to go downhill he might have to anyway. 

All in all, it hasn't exactly been a stellar summer, has it?

These two...

When I'm feeling low, these two sweet faces are everything. They're such a comfort to me. 

I love them so much.