I'm so glad this holiday season is almost over. It's not really my favorite time of year to begin with, and this one has been especially painful.
I finally went to see my mom and dad today, now that the danger of spreading Covid is over. At my mom's suggestion I picked up a pizza on the way there for our lunch, but neither of us felt like eating it. One of the hospice nurses had been out early this morning, and my mom wanted to talk to me about what she'd said.
The nurse says dad is now "actively dying". She thinks he may only have a few days left to live. I wasn't particularly shocked at the news, but it still felt like a dagger in my heart. The kind nurse had offered to stay until I got there, to explain things to me, but mom had told her that it wasn't necessary. They're stopping all his medications (he's almost unable to swallow at this point) save for morphine drops to put under his tongue as needed and something else to keep him from feeling anxious. It almost certainly won't be long now.
Mom also wanted to discuss plans for after dad dies. His wish is to be cremated, and mom doesn't think she can bear to have a funeral right away. She wanted to make sure I'd be okay with that; I'm actually more than okay with it. It's a relief. I can't stand the thought of funeral homes, and embalming, and having to see a bunch of people when we're dealing with grief. And the expensive of all that would be ridiculous, too.
The plan is to have the cremation go ahead immediately and then at some point in the future having a small gravesite service where his ashes will be interred next to my grandparents. Something very simple, with family only, and after a little time has passed. I think it's a good plan.
I went in to see dad twice today. He woke up enough to talk to me a little both times. Before I left the second time I told him I loved him. He said, "I love you too. Take care of yourself."
That "take care of yourself" gutted me.
I had intended to stay with my mom for a little longer, but at that point I had to leave. I can't stand to cry in front of other people, even my mother, and I felt like I was about to choke. Of course I told mom I can come back any time she needs me, but right at that moment I had to get out of there. It was a sad ride home. I'm having a harder time with all this than I expected.
I don't know if I'll see my dad again. My mom asked me if I wanted her to call me as soon as he dies so I can dash down to see him before his body is taken away. I told her to call me if SHE needs me, and that I'll come right away, but that I don't necessarily want to see a lifeless shell. She understood. She just wanted to make sure she could honor my wishes and I respect her for that.
It's a hard thing, saying goodbye to a parent. Tonight I feel like a sad little girl on the inside. My heart aches.
It's all so sad. But you all seem to be communicating well, and accepting the inevitable in a good way. I'm sorry, Jennifer. It hurts.
ReplyDeleteA lot.
DeleteIt's very sad but your mom (and you) sound sensible about the details of his death and after; that does help with the process. I remember when my older daughter drove up from UCLA (a long trip with her cousin) because we thought my husband was dying, then he came back for a while. When she was flying back, he told her to have a good flight and she said, "You too, Dad." It's great that you exchanged those words with your father. You will always treasure them.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how hearing your dad say, "Take care of yourself" would gut you. I'd feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteSo, so sorry for you and your family.
It is a hard time for sure, but what I love is that you and your mother are communicating your needs so well. In my family, there would be someone waiting to turn a comment into something offensive to argue about. It was very stressful.
ReplyDeleteI hit 'publish' too soon. Hugs, Jennifer.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Jennifer. It's a tough time for sure. Those of us who have dealt with parental passing know what you're going through. Cremation and a graveside service a few months later is a sensible plan. It's what we did with both our parents.
ReplyDeleteOh, baby. It's so hard. I have no real words of comfort except to say that you're going to grieve and get through this in whatever way you need to do it. There is no guilt about any way you may feel or act. You will absolutely do what you need to do. I know that. I surely wish I could put my arms around you for a very long hug.
ReplyDeleteI am warmed by the fact you got back home to see your father and to offer your mother some moral support. It is lovely that you got to speak to him, finding him compos mentis. It is, as you already know, very possible that those will be the last words you will ever hear him speak and they came from his heart - "I love you too. Take care of yourself." They are good words to remember.
ReplyDeleteA sad time, Jennifer. I am sorry. You are making sensible choices with your mother. There will be many tears and grieving, but it is the process that happens.
ReplyDeleteSuch a sad time.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing is you were able to see and talk to your Dad and he was able to see and talk to you.That is all that counts.
I'm very sorry, Jennifer. It's hard to lose a parent.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love,
Janie
Yes there is no good or right way of doing this. And there is nothing really to assuage the anguish. I am glad you have Love here in the comments to be with you.
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry for what you are going through. Many people now do a celebration of life later on. Both of my parents were cremated and we scattered their ashes later with the whole family taking part. Hang in there- it’s a grieving process with no right or wrong. Hugs from me. - Jenn
ReplyDeleteMy dad got his morphine mixed with applesauce, it worked better than trying to get the drops under his tongue. Both of my parents were cremated. Memorial services are great, you can plan them, and they don't need to be graveside, a nice small chapel can be nice. The fewer people there, the easier it is.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry to read this Jennifer. Sadly it's something we all have to deal with in time, but that doesn't make it easier. I've been to two 'memorial services' recently; one of which was over a year after the person died. Best keep them small and intimate, you really don't want crowds. Stay strong. xx
ReplyDeleteI know many of us out here are holding you in a warm embrace.
ReplyDeleteI would be doing it the same way as you and your mother Jennifer. I feel with you at this moment. It is difficult but you are doing it the right way. Rachel xx
ReplyDeleteThere is no right or wrong about how you both decide what to do. Go with your hearts. Sending you and your Mom love.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how old or ill parents are, and no matter how much it is expected, the death of a parent is always devastating.
ReplyDeleteI hug you from afar, Jennifer. You are doing everything right.
ReplyDeleteIt's good you're trusting what you can/want to do about this very hard transition. I was with my sister when she died and it's not that pleasant really. My mother died in a hospital alone. I had visited about 2 weeks before. I was in California and she was in NY so a second trip was out of the question. Funerals are weird to me a memorial makes better sense. Sending good thoughts as you go through this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteIt is a sad time for you but it's good that you and your Mom are supporting each other and your Dad is kept comfortable. I'm glad you have those sweet words from your Dad to cherish. You and your Mom can plan whatever works best for you both. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do. Hugs to you, Jennifer.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. That's really all that can be said. I'm glad you got to visit your dad and spend that time together.
ReplyDeleteSending you peace and hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. xx
ReplyDeleteI've been where you are now and it's so hard, I really feel for you. It still feels like yesterday but working it out my Dad has been gone for almost 12 years. The four hour drive back from visiting him during his last weeks was so hard and so full of thoughts that sprang at me from all directions.
ReplyDeleteYour post has just really helped me, my Mum has gone for one of those already paid for cremations wanting no service and no family at her house once she's gone and we were dreading the thought of it. Your words have made me realise it's her wishes, and we can all get together at a future date when things are less raw and celebrate her life rather than mourn her death. Thank you. I'll be thinking about you. xx
We did that when my dear mother in law passed away. She had donated her body to the research hospital that had been treating her (a year after her death the family finally got her ashes) and we didn't have a family get together until five months after she died. It was near her birthday, and the whole family had a nice visit and remembered her. Much better than a traditional funeral, in my opinion.
DeleteThank you for the kind words, Sue. I'll be thinking about you, too.
I just now read this and I am so sorry to hear about it all. Losing a parent is a special kind of pain that is hard to describe. You are doing good to make yourself available to your mom anytime she needs you now. I am sorry you are all going through this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteMy brother was cremated and we did not all get together to spread his ashes until several months later. It worked out very well and I know he would have appreciated how it was handled.
I'm holding you all in my thoughts. Take care of yourself Jennifer.