Today

There's a large spiderweb outside our bathroom window. It stretches from the edge of the roof over to one of the Crepe Myrtle trees beside the house. The trees are currently in bloom, so when the wind blows the lavender-pink flowers fly around and get stuck in the web. It's truly a work of art. I tried to take a picture, but my phone camera just wouldn't do it any justice.

Here's a close up of one of the blossoms. The flowers are so pretty, suspended in the intricate web. You'll just have to imagine.

I woke up this morning to an eerie looking sunrise. It cast a pinkish-orange glow in rooms with windows facing east, and when I stepped outside everything was awash in color and strange shadows. Once again, my camera doesn't do it justice.

Today would have been my dad's birthday. He would have been 72.

I don't remember this date bothering me too much last year (the first one after he died) but today was different. I'm okay, just kind of sad. No matter how busy I kept myself at work (and there was plenty to keep me busy) I just couldn't shake it. There was just this...heaviness. 

Delayed grief, maybe?

I'm beginning to realize I didn't get a chance to really mourn my dad when he first died. Things quickly got so bad with my mom and me that it kind of took over  And now that my mom and I have severed ties, it's like she's died. Recently I started to realize that all of a sudden (it feels all of a sudden) I went from having two parents to none. 

At first when my mom and I agreed we were "done" with each other, all I felt was relief. Things had gotten that bad. Now that I've had some time and some room to breathe, to process...some of the delayed/buried emotions are coming up. At least, I think that's what's happening. 

It's okay. I'm okay.

It's just been one of those tough days, you know? 

Ups and downs

It's hard to believe that Christmas Eve was only a month ago. So much stuff has happened that it feels like a much longer amount of time has passed. It was the week before Christmas when I found out my dad was going into hospice, and a couple of days after that before I found out he was "actively dying" and had less than a week left to live. 

Then, of course, he died on New Year's Day.

Immediately after his death I started having issues with my mom, and that's been almost equally as stressful as losing him. Last week I had a long overdue talk with my aunt (dad's sister) about some of the family issues that have been going on both before and since dad died. 

During that phone call with my aunt, she said she was going the next day to close out my dad's trust/inheritance account and would be sending me a check for what was left in it the next day. The check arrived two days later, and to my amazement it was exactly enough to pay off the mortgage on my house. I couldn't believe it. I still barely believe it. It's been terribly exciting.

Yesterday I went to a local branch of the bank that holds the mortgage loan and got a payoff quote for the house. I also went and deposited the inheritance check in the bank. After the seven-business day hold my bank places on large deposits, I'll be sending a wire transfer to pay off my mortgage. On February 1st we'll own our home free and clear. 

Six weeks ago, I didn't have a clue any of this was coming. It's strange and sad and exciting and bewildering all at once.

My dad

My favorite picture of me and my dad, circa 1980ish

My dad died on New Year's Day, around 1:15 in the afternoon. I was at home when I got the call. We had been expecting it at any moment for two or three days at that point, but it still somehow felt like a shock. It still doesn't seem real sometimes. How can my dad not exist anymore? It's hard to wrap my head around. 

Dad was kept comfortable those last few days and slipped away quietly and peacefully at the end. I'm so grateful for that. He had been very, very sick for a long time. As sad as it is that he's gone, it's a comfort to know that he's beyond all pain and suffering now. 

My dad was a kind, gentle, and generous man. Although he had lots of faults and made plenty of mistakes in his life, he was a good father to me. I never remember him so much as raising his voice to me, ever. For all the issues my family had when I was growing up (and we had plenty), I never once doubted his love for me. I hope he never doubted mine for him.

I was always my dad's little girl. I always will be.

Vigil

I'll never forget how I'm spending New Year's Eve 2023. For two days now my dad's blood pressure and pulse have been so low as to be unmeasurable, but he's still (just barely) breathing. The hospice nurse that came out today was surprised that he's still holding on.

I told my mom that he's determined to see the new year in. My dad is tougher than I knew. 

Dad's getting very small doses of morphine here and there, and he seems comfortable and peaceful. I'm grateful for that. He still responds a little to voices and touch. It surely won't be long now.

I'll try to be back soon, but in the meantime, I wish you all a Happy New Year. Thank you for another year of friendship and kindness.

A hard day

 I'm so glad this holiday season is almost over. It's not really my favorite time of year to begin with, and this one has been especially painful.

I finally went to see my mom and dad today, now that the danger of spreading Covid is over. At my mom's suggestion I picked up a pizza on the way there for our lunch, but neither of us felt like eating it. One of the hospice nurses had been out early this morning, and my mom wanted to talk to me about what she'd said.

The nurse says dad is now "actively dying". She thinks he may only have a few days left to live. I wasn't particularly shocked at the news, but it still felt like a dagger in my heart. The kind nurse had offered to stay until I got there, to explain things to me, but mom had told her that it wasn't necessary. They're stopping all his medications (he's almost unable to swallow at this point) save for morphine drops to put under his tongue as needed and something else to keep him from feeling anxious. It almost certainly won't be long now. 

Mom also wanted to discuss plans for after dad dies. His wish is to be cremated, and mom doesn't think she can bear to have a funeral right away. She wanted to make sure I'd be okay with that; I'm actually more than okay with it. It's a relief. I can't stand the thought of funeral homes, and embalming, and having to see a bunch of people when we're dealing with grief. And the expensive of all that would be ridiculous, too. 

The plan is to have the cremation go ahead immediately and then at some point in the future having a small gravesite service where his ashes will be interred next to my grandparents. Something very simple, with family only, and after a little time has passed. I think it's a good plan.

I went in to see dad twice today. He woke up enough to talk to me a little both times. Before I left the second time I told him I loved him. He said, "I love you too. Take care of yourself." 

That "take care of yourself" gutted me.

 I had intended to stay with my mom for a little longer, but at that point I had to leave. I can't stand to cry in front of other people, even my mother, and I felt like I was about to choke. Of course I told mom I can come back any time she needs me, but right at that moment I had to get out of there. It was a sad ride home. I'm having a harder time with all this than I expected. 

I don't know if I'll see my dad again. My mom asked me if I wanted her to call me as soon as he dies so I can dash down to see him before his body is taken away.  I told her to call me if SHE needs me, and that I'll come right away, but that I don't necessarily want to see a lifeless shell. She understood. She just wanted to make sure she could honor my wishes and I respect her for that. 

It's a hard thing, saying goodbye to a parent. Tonight I feel like a sad little girl on the inside. My heart aches.

Soaking in summer

I'm approaching the last week of my summer vacation. As a now 220-day employee, I'll be going back to work on July 10th. I can't believe it's almost time to start, the last month has flown by. My only plan for next week is to enjoy every bit of summer fun possible. Not that summer will be over on the 10th by any means, but I expect be so busy and preoccupied the first few weeks at this new job that I won't notice much of it.

Wednesday afternoon I went swimming for the first time this year. My friend Marian has a nice saltwater pool, and she and her husband are generous in inviting friends over anytime to swim. The cool water felt wonderful, as it always does this time of year! I've been invited back tomorrow (provided the weather cooperates) and I plan to take her up on it.

I'll have a nice tan by the time I go back to work, between the pool and being out in my garden. I'd like to be able to wear cool dresses and skirts with bare legs to work while it's still so hot out, and my legs will look better with at least a little tan on them. I'm careful not to overdo the sun exposure, though. 

I've been eating a lot of fresh fruit. The Food Lion down the street has been getting in the most delicious honeydew melons, and I went to the farmer's market and bought strawberries, blueberries, and fresh peaches the other day. Before heading to my friend's house and the pool I made guacamole and fruit salad to share. One shouldn't arrive empty handed, right? 

The fruit salad was as tasty as it was pretty. :)

What else? I'm watching soapy tv shows that my husband wouldn't like during the day while he's at work. This is an annual summer tradition for me. This year I'm watching The Mayfair Witches on AMC+, a show based on Anne Rice's book The Witching Hour. They changed a bunch of stuff (although I supposed they had to, the book is an absolute tome coming in at over 1000 pages) and they even "combined" some characters to move the story along, but it's fun and mindless and fills some time in the long hot afternoons. I've also been doing a lot of reading. 

The dogs and Marco are so happy when I'm at home all the time. They're all in for a sad letdown very soon! I had to take both dogs to the vet last week. George had inflamed and infected ears, as well as allergies and a rash on his belly, and Poppy suddenly started scratching herself raw around her eyes. She's apparently developing some allergies, too. Well, both dogs got exams, ear slide tests, medicines, and George got a big shot of prednisone. Poor George also had to be muzzled to let the vet medicate his ears (they were so painful, and he was so distressed we were afraid he'd bite someone otherwise) and I had to take him back in a week for a second dose to be administered. The bill for everything came to almost $500. That was a hard pill to swallow (ha!) after paying for a new roof earlier this month, but what could we do? The dogs needed help, and they're both feeling much, much better now.  (Gregg said, "They'd better be!")

One last bit of news is that my dad is doing a little better at the moment. He's been up and around and has responded well to his latest treatments. My mom sounded almost giddy with relief when I called yesterday to check on them. Please send all good vibes our way for it all to continue for awhile! 

One of those days

At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I'm just going to put this out there: I'm not enjoying my break very much so far. As much as I like and need solitude, day after day of sitting at home alone while Gregg's at work is really starting to bother me. I'm recognizing some early signs of depression setting in and I'm not sure what to do about it. Some of it is triggered by stuff I have no control over.

A large part of the problem is that my dad is dying. I don't say that for sympathy, it's just a plain fact. He's been taken to the hospital in an ambulance three or four times in the past month, including this afternoon. His health problems are too numerous to go into here, but he's rapidly going downhill. My mom is doing the best she can to look after him (he really wants to die at home, if possible) but the strain is wearing on her. I try to offer support where and how I can, but there's not much to be done at this point. I hate thinking about what life's going to be like when my dad's no longer around. And it's heartbreaking to watch him suffer.  I'm having a hard time with it all. 

Besides the family stress, I just feel generally dull and unhappy. I've been sleeping too much, and for the past week I've struggled to get out of bed in the morning. Mostly I lie there until around noon. Some of it is almost surely hormonal. I have all the classic signs of perimenopause and certain times of the month (like today) I'm have a hard time functioning. I suppose a chat with my doctor is probably in order. 

Nothing like facing the loss of a parent along with evidence of your own aging and physical decline, huh?

A bad start to the holiday

Yesterday got off to a such a good start. It was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break and everyone showed up to work cheerful and excited. I was looking forward to getting through the day and the beginning of five days off. Even the "mean girls" were pleasant and friendly for a change. All seemed well with the world.

About 10:30 the direct line at my desk started ringing. I looked down and saw my dad's name on the caller ID, and immediately knew something was wrong. My parents never call me at work. I answered the phone with a great deal of trepidation, knowing that whatever they were calling for couldn't be good. 

It was my mom. "Jennifer, you've got to come home. Can you come home?" I asked her several times what had happened. All she would say is that my dad had been taken off in an ambulance and to please "come home" right now. She soundly oddly calm and but wouldn't give me any details.

I was sure my dad was dead. 

The secretary saw my face when I went looking for the principal to tell him I had to leave. She said, "Mrs. Barlow, what's happened?" "I think my dad may have just died" I replied. By then I was having a hard time breathing and was walking in circles, feeling confused and just in shock. I'll give the office ladies credit here. Even the two who have been so rude and unkind lately were immediately there, offering to drive me home or to call my husband to come get me, asking what they could do, telling me they would be praying for my family. The principal and one of the assistant principals reached out to offer support last night, too.

My mom called my cell when I was on the way to her house, and that's when I found out that dad (probably) wasn't dead, but had been close to it when the ambulance took him away. He had collapsed and was unconscious (he has congestive heart failure and several other serious health problems) after several days of being much sicker than usual. Then she explained that she couldn't go up to the hospital to check on him because she was sick too. Sick with a "chest cold", diarrhea, and a fever. (You can probably guess where this is going).

When I got to the hospital dad was still in the emergency room receiving stabilizing treatment. He really was on the verge of death when the ambulance picked him up. His blood pressure was bottoming out, his oxygen levels were dropping, and they suspected sepsis. He was slowly coming around when I got there, so I got to talk to him and tell him I loved him. I stayed for a couple of hours and then went home (after leaving my number with the ER nurse supervisor and getting her promise that they'd call if anything changed). They finally got him admitted to the hospital around 6pm last night.

When I first went in to see dad yesterday I was wearing a regular paper mask, but the first time he started coughing I went to the nurse's station and asked for an N-95. That turned out to be a good decision. This morning my mom called to let me know that he tested positive for Covid despite the fact that he got vaccinated back in March. When you consider that he's in end-stage congestive heart failure to begin with, this might be deadly. My mom is at home and almost certainly has Covid, too. She's diabetic so that's not good, and her cough sounds terrible over the phone. She's going to be lucky if she doesn't end up in the hospital alongside dad. 

All I can do is wait at home to hear any news. Dad won't be allowed any visitors and mom is going to have to quarantine for the next couple of weeks. It's all very worrying.

Happy Thankgiving.

Primary Day, Leap Day, weekend stuff

Happy Leap Day! And it's the day to vote in the Primaries here in South Carolina. As soon as I have a cup or two of coffee, and take a shower, I'll be going out to do my civic duty. But I'm not excited about it. All of the Democratic candidates have flaws and I've had a hell of a time trying to decide which one to vote for. In fact, I'm still not 100% certain. I've been thinking hard about it all week and wishing the Democrats could get their sh*t together and put forward better candidates. No matter who I vote for, Biden is almost certain to win SC. The African American community (the biggest Democratic voting population in this state) strongly back him. I like Biden okay, but he's just too old in my opinion. (I say that not because of his biological age, but due to some of his debate performances early on. He just looked kind of lost and confused, and it made me cringe). He should have run last time, and now I fear it's too late for him. Ah, well. I'm used to my vote not making one iota of difference. When you're liberal and progressive and live in South Carolina, even if the candidate you vote for wins, it won't be because of good ol' SC. We're one of the reddest of red states. I still go vote my conscience every time though and have done since I turned 18.

My dad finally got to come home on Thursday afternoon. He's better than he was, and I'm glad he's home and feeling better, but he's in bad shape. He's wearing a LifeVest, which is a wearable defibrillator, until they can decide if he's going to have a pacemaker put in or an ablation of one of the valves in his heart. He has congestive heart failure and a very weak heart muscle as well as pulmonary hypertension, high blood pressure, and terrible venostasis in his lower legs and feet. They had to send him home with oxygen, too. My mom's been having a hard time coping with it all, and since I was there when they brought in the LifeVest and explained all the (relatively complicated) ins and outs of it, I had to teach her how to use and maintain it. I drove dad home when they released him (45 minutes away), showed mom how the vest worked, and met with the man delivering the oxygen to their house and helped get it set up. Mom was very, very grateful for all of the help, and dad too, of course. I'm worried about both of them, but hopefully things will settle down a little now that he's at home. I missed a good deal of work this week. My coworkers and the principal were very understanding and accommodating, and I'm very grateful for that. To say it's been a stressful week would be an understatement.

On Tuesday our school district's Superintendent put out an open letter for parents, students, staff, and the community about steps being taken to prepare for Coronavirus. Holy hell. I didn't quite realize things had gotten to that point. Here's a copy of the letter:

Dear Parents,
With all the recent influx of information regarding the Coronavirus and flu, we wanted to assure you that F1S is monitoring the situation closely, implementing a plan and taking initial precautionary steps, with continued guidance from SC DHEC. The school district has purchased disinfectant wipes for all classrooms; hard surfaces and commonly used objects will be vigilantly cleaned and disinfected. All custodial staff are aware of our increased efforts and will implement them into their duties as well.

School nurses will be monitoring students who present with symptoms such as fever, shortness of breath and coughing. Any student with a fever will be required to leave school and will not be allowed to return until fever-free for 24 hours without any fever-reducing medicine, as is required under normal DHEC guidelines.

We also wanted to share some simple ways to prevent the spread of illness including:
• Washing hands often
• Avoiding contact with sick people
• Staying home while you are sick
• Covering mouth/nose with a sleeve or tissue when sneezing or coughing
• Cleaning and disinfecting frequently touched objects and surfaces

• Avoiding touching eyes, mouth and nose

Florence 1 Schools also has an e-Learning protocol in place in the event that the district has to close for any reason. If an e-Learning day is required, students will be able to complete assignments on their district-issued Chromebooks. Information regarding e-Learning can be found on the Florence 1 Schools website at https://www.f1s.org/domain/3540.

If you have any questions, DHEC has a Care Line available at 1-855-472-3432. You can also talk with the nurse at your school.

Sincerely,
Richard O’Malley, Ed. D.
Superintendent, Florence 1 Schools

After watching news reports about global disruption in supply chains due to the virus, Gregg and I decided to be proactive and we're stocking up household supplies, medicines, and non perishable food. That's something we like to do when hurricane season approaches anyway, and we have plenty of pantry and storage space to store some extra stuff. I'm not too worried about it, but a well-stocked larder is peace of mind when any kind of emergency comes up, so I'll be doing some extra shopping this weekend.

Well, off to finish my coffee and hit the road. The polling place for our new house is actually at my school! So I'll be going to work on a Saturday. :) I'm still pleased that we bought a house less than 2 miles from where I work.

What are you up to this weekend?

Worried--Updated in the comments

Just a quick post today as I get ready to head out the door. Not to work, as expected, but to go visit my dad. He had to make a trip to the ER this morning, and I'm worried about him.

Dad's health is very poor. He has some chronic conditions that he's been living with for years now, not least of which is congestive heart failure. Over the weekend he started having severe shortness of breath. He wouldn't go see a doctor until this morning (mom says he was frightened), and it turns out that he has a lot of fluid building up around his heart, and his blood pressure is sky-high. He won't have to be admitted to the hospital, thank goodness, but they're giving him a lot of medications to drain the fluid and to stabilize his BP and he has to go back Wednesday to have a stress test and some other tests, too.

Even though dad won't have to stay in the hospital, I still feel like I need to go see him. My parents live an hour's drive away, so it's not too far. I had to call out of work, and mom and dad both tried to talk me out of doing that, but family comes before my job. Always. Also, my boss was super nice about it. Even he's not enough of an asshole to begrudge a callout when it's a family emergency!

Part of the urgency on my part to go see my dad right now, today, is partly superstitious fear. Both his father and his brother dropped dead of massive heart attacks without any prior warning at all, at relatively young ages.  My uncle was in his late 50's and younger than my dad is now.  And unlike dad he had no prior health issues and no history of heart trouble. He just felt bad one day, went to take a nap, and his wife found him dead in bed a couple of hours later. I'd never forgive myself if I said, "Ok dad, since the doctor thinks you'll be ok this time I'll just wait to visit", and then something happened to him tonight.

Also, tomorrow is the first of December. I know what I'm about to say is going to sound ridiculous and superstitious, but for me that's the month that's always meant death and disaster. I've blogged before about all the bad things that have happened in my life in the month of December. There have been the sudden deaths of relatives, pet deaths, cancer diagnoses, and job losses...always in December. I dread it every year, and superstitious or not, I'm not taking a chance with not going to see my dad today. I need to go make sure he's okay.

I'll update this post later today or tonight after I've seen how he is. Any good thoughts sent our way will be much appreciated!