There's a large spiderweb outside our bathroom window. It stretches from the edge of the roof over to one of the Crepe Myrtle trees beside the house. The trees are currently in bloom, so when the wind blows the lavender-pink flowers fly around and get stuck in the web. It's truly a work of art. I tried to take a picture, but my phone camera just wouldn't do it any justice.
I don't remember this date bothering me too much last year (the first one after he died) but today was different. I'm okay, just kind of sad. No matter how busy I kept myself at work (and there was plenty to keep me busy) I just couldn't shake it. There was just this...heaviness.
Delayed grief, maybe?
I'm beginning to realize I didn't get a chance to really mourn my dad when he first died. Things quickly got so bad with my mom and me that it kind of took over And now that my mom and I have severed ties, it's like she's died. Recently I started to realize that all of a sudden (it feels all of a sudden) I went from having two parents to none.
At first when my mom and I agreed we were "done" with each other, all I felt was relief. Things had gotten that bad. Now that I've had some time and some room to breathe, to process...some of the delayed/buried emotions are coming up. At least, I think that's what's happening.
It's okay. I'm okay.
It's just been one of those tough days, you know?
I think when the first birthday comes around again, the passing is still fresh, and when the second comes up it's more permanent. My father's second birthday since he passed is this Saturday.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, I know. I’m glad you’re able to share here. You are a wonderful human being!
ReplyDeleteHugs, Jennifer. You have lots of emotions to process and I wish you well.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has those days. People grieve at different times.
ReplyDeleteLove the picture. My crepe myrtle tree I thought was dead...it's very old and was planted by my father when I was a wee one. It's bloomed liked crazy. Mine is a deep raspberry color.
Those pink flowers on your tree are just lovely. I'm sorry you are having sad times.
ReplyDeleteConcentrate on those beautiful flowers. Life goes on, as does the beauty of nature.
ReplyDeleteHonor your Dad by taking maybe 10 minutes out of your day to just sit and think about him. Maybe enjoy a coffee or a cup of tea and a sweet treat. Remember all the good times you had with him and even sing happy birthday to him in your mind. This is something I do every year to honor my late adult daughter.
ReplyDeleteDeath days are hard but do become less painful with time.
ReplyDeleteThe skies are in accordance with your emotions.
Grief is entirely personal. No one can fully understand the experience of another.
ReplyDeleteThat spider web is amazing! I don't remember dates for anything, my mind simply doesn't function that way.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to remember even if it makes you sad. I hope happy memories will bring you some comfort.
ReplyDeleteI'm listening to a book right now and the main characters are a mother and a daughter whose relationship has long-since broken down. It's very formulaic- mother injures herself in a fall, daughter must come and take care of her, old resentments on the part of the daughter, old regrets on the part of the mother.
ReplyDeleteBlah, blah, blah.
At first, while reading, I felt the guilt that comes along sometimes about how my relationship ended with my mother but I realized the two people in this book are nothing like my mother and me. At all. Same outline but very different story.
And I don't think you find much in common with these two either.
You did lose both parents at once in a way. And it is good to separate those losses to mourn appropriately.
I'm sure your recent communication with your mom has sharpened your feelings of loss over your dad. As you said, in a way, you've lost both parents. That's a big life change.
ReplyDeleteYes. I know. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHugs from me, too. Grief does not follow a set pattern, as I know only too well. When my Dad died in October, I feared the first Christmas without him. In the end I was fine, but New Year‘s Eve then really got to me, and I cried buckets into my sparkling wine.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings of heavy sadness are entirely natural. Thank you for trusting us and being so open with us.
Great morning skies; I know what you mean when you say the camera didn‘t do it justice, but I can imagine it very well.
I hope by now more days have come and been better.
ReplyDelete