Today

There's a large spiderweb outside our bathroom window. It stretches from the edge of the roof over to one of the Crepe Myrtle trees beside the house. The trees are currently in bloom, so when the wind blows the lavender-pink flowers fly around and get stuck in the web. It's truly a work of art. I tried to take a picture, but my phone camera just wouldn't do it any justice.

Here's a close up of one of the blossoms. The flowers are so pretty, suspended in the intricate web. You'll just have to imagine.

I woke up this morning to an eerie looking sunrise. It cast a pinkish-orange glow in rooms with windows facing east, and when I stepped outside everything was awash in color and strange shadows. Once again, my camera doesn't do it justice.

Today would have been my dad's birthday. He would have been 72.

I don't remember this date bothering me too much last year (the first one after he died) but today was different. I'm okay, just kind of sad. No matter how busy I kept myself at work (and there was plenty to keep me busy) I just couldn't shake it. There was just this...heaviness. 

Delayed grief, maybe?

I'm beginning to realize I didn't get a chance to really mourn my dad when he first died. Things quickly got so bad with my mom and me that it kind of took over  And now that my mom and I have severed ties, it's like she's died. Recently I started to realize that all of a sudden (it feels all of a sudden) I went from having two parents to none. 

At first when my mom and I agreed we were "done" with each other, all I felt was relief. Things had gotten that bad. Now that I've had some time and some room to breathe, to process...some of the delayed/buried emotions are coming up. At least, I think that's what's happening. 

It's okay. I'm okay.

It's just been one of those tough days, you know? 

Ups and downs

It's hard to believe that Christmas Eve was only a month ago. So much stuff has happened that it feels like a much longer amount of time has passed. It was the week before Christmas when I found out my dad was going into hospice, and a couple of days after that before I found out he was "actively dying" and had less than a week left to live. 

Then, of course, he died on New Year's Day.

Immediately after his death I started having issues with my mom, and that's been almost equally as stressful as losing him. Last week I had a long overdue talk with my aunt (dad's sister) about some of the family issues that have been going on both before and since dad died. 

During that phone call with my aunt, she said she was going the next day to close out my dad's trust/inheritance account and would be sending me a check for what was left in it the next day. The check arrived two days later, and to my amazement it was exactly enough to pay off the mortgage on my house. I couldn't believe it. I still barely believe it. It's been terribly exciting.

Yesterday I went to a local branch of the bank that holds the mortgage loan and got a payoff quote for the house. I also went and deposited the inheritance check in the bank. After the seven-business day hold my bank places on large deposits, I'll be sending a wire transfer to pay off my mortgage. On February 1st we'll own our home free and clear. 

Six weeks ago, I didn't have a clue any of this was coming. It's strange and sad and exciting and bewildering all at once.

My dad

My favorite picture of me and my dad, circa 1980ish

My dad died on New Year's Day, around 1:15 in the afternoon. I was at home when I got the call. We had been expecting it at any moment for two or three days at that point, but it still somehow felt like a shock. It still doesn't seem real sometimes. How can my dad not exist anymore? It's hard to wrap my head around. 

Dad was kept comfortable those last few days and slipped away quietly and peacefully at the end. I'm so grateful for that. He had been very, very sick for a long time. As sad as it is that he's gone, it's a comfort to know that he's beyond all pain and suffering now. 

My dad was a kind, gentle, and generous man. Although he had lots of faults and made plenty of mistakes in his life, he was a good father to me. I never remember him so much as raising his voice to me, ever. For all the issues my family had when I was growing up (and we had plenty), I never once doubted his love for me. I hope he never doubted mine for him.

I was always my dad's little girl. I always will be.

Just coping

 Hi everyone. Thank you all for all the kind and supportive comments on my last post. I can't respond to them individually at this point but please know that I've read and appreciated every single one of them.  

I fear this is turning into the My Dying Dog blog, which can't be very much fun to read. I'm sorry. Life feels like it's in this weird transitional period, a kind of shitty and depressing limbo between our old life with Ginger and what comes after. In a little over a week I'll return to work full time after 5 months of being at home. Establishing new routines and getting back on a schedule will have to help. 

That said, I'm glad I have another week at home with George. He's going to be alone during the day for the first time since we adopted him, and another week with me will hopefully help him adjust a bit more beforehand. He's having a really hard time with Ginger's passing. He's confused, anxious, and sticking to me like glue. I catch him listening hard to the slightest noises in the house, and looking around the porch and backyard sometimes. It's pretty obvious he's listening and looking for Ginger, and doesn't understand what's happened. He looks at me sometimes with these big, sad, questioning eyes and it's heartbreaking. We're trying to be cheerful and matter of fact with him to help curb some of the anxiety. We're taking him for extra walks to burn off some of that tension, too. I don't know what else to do but to give him time. 

You know what doesn't help George (or us, for that matter)? Marco calling several times a day, "GINGEEEERR! GINGER!"  Every time he hears us call for George, he has to follow up and call for Ginger, too. It's really sad. (Be aware of these things if you ever get the crazy idea that owning a parrot would be nothing but fun). It makes us sad to hear him call out to her, and it's pretty obvious he's wondering what happened to her and where she went. Maybe he's missing her, too. We had her already when he came to live with us all those years ago.

I've discovered that grief is exhausting. Gregg, George, and I have all been feeling tired and listless. In an effort to take care of us all, I did some cooking yesterday afternoon. I made spaghetti sauce from scratch and let it simmer for hours, filling up the house with a delicious smell. When I looked in on the boys after finishing some stuff in the kitchen, this is what I saw.

Poor guys were both worn out. Gregg never naps, so this was a surprise. I stayed as quiet as I could and let them sleep for the next hour or so.  Later we had big bowls of delicious spaghetti, the best (and biggest) meal we had eaten in many days. We both felt a little better for it. I made a lot of sauce, so the extra is slowly heating back up in the crockpot for tonight's meal. It smells even better today.

So that's it. We're hanging in there and coping with this transition for our little family as best we can. Thanks again for all the support. It really means a lot.